I used to be the sweet little girl who would always try to cheer someone up.
I used to run around, a big smile on my face, and just have fun.
I used to love the feeling of becoming out of breath as I played tag with other kids.
Other kids that I considered my friends.
I used to be so much brighter and happier.
My child self loves to play, to run, to create, to imagine.
She would always stand up for what she believes in, never letting her voice go unheard.
She would always try to fix what's broken, refusing to stand by idly as someone is hurting.
God, how I miss her.
She.....got scared though.
They told her about the big bad scary world out there, waiting outside her door.
How it'll swallow you up if you make the wrong move.
How it'll mock you if you don't look a certain way.
How it'll make her do things she doesn't want to do if she wants to continue living.
She screamed so loud that night. Fear coursing through her body, shock written all over her face, tears that would never stop coming.
She hid in my mind.
Behind a locked door that no one, not even I, can enter through.
She still cowers in fear at the thought of the bad world coming to get her.
My brain, as a way to protect me, made me numb.
It flipped my mindset, causing me to not care about anything anymore.
Grades? I couldn't give a shit if I failed.
Parents? They never cared, so why should I?
Teachers? They don't care about me either! They don't know me and they never took the time to. I'm just someone taking up a desk, nothing more to them.
Life? What's the point in living? Death is much easier and you won't have to worry about anything. And once it's done, it's done. There's no worrying, "what if I'll be alone, fending for myself, in this scary world?" because you'll be dead.
You won't think.
You'll just cease to exist.
Your pain, your sorrow, your fears, all gone in an instant.
And with that mindset, I went from a A and B student to a borderline failing student.
If I really liked the class, I'd get a low C.
I didn't think I was capable of getting very far in like anyway.
I didn't believe in myself anymore.
And that scared my parents.
I didn't know what I'd done to the people I care for.
