"I don't see why it's such a big deal that I want to go out!" Jeongguk huffed, narrowing his eyes at his boyfriend.
Namjoon twisted his hands nervously, shaking his head a little. He'd spent the last hour with Jeongguk arguing over whether the othe...
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- For the first time in a long time; Jeongguk returns home to not a single light on in their apartment. When he shuffled off his shoes, he was able to recognize the steady hum of the television. He knows Namjoon is home, because his shoes are still neatly placed at the door. But there is no familiar sound of the older male shuffling around, or the coo of him murmuring to the little bulge of his belly.
"Baby?" He called out softly, blindly fumbling for the lights to the living room.
There's a lump on the couch that Jeongguk is certain belongs to Namjoon's figure. It shuffled a little when he'd called out for his fiancée, and then fluffy hair is peaking out from under their thick comforter.
"Hi."
"What're you doing under there, baby?" Jeongguk asked, voice as soft as the wind blows.
"Being sad."
"I can see that. Do you want to tell me why, though?"
-
Jeongguk is patient while he eats dinner. He doesn't pry or expect Namjoon to tell him the issue right away. He lets his lover bask in the silence, and only comments praise towards the dish that had been cooked. At some point in their relationship, Namjoon had stopped burning everything down, and actually took classes on meal preparation. It had been his proudest moment, to cook the younger male beef, for the first time. Right now, he looks anything but proud.
"I'm scared."
The words that break their silence are hushed. Nothing more than a whisper above the whistle of the metal kettle on the stove. Jeongguk quirks an eyebrow, finally looking up from his plate to meet Namjoon's sad eyes. They do not meet his, though, and remain in their place of fixture.
"Of what, my angel?"
"Everything is going too well." Namjoon admits, moving his eyes up to at least focus on Jeongguk's jacket.
"Is it?" It is something he's never imagined to be spoken. They work too well together. That is a dream. He cannot understand the problem.
"I didn't think we'd make it until winter," Namjoon admits softly. The words sting, but they do not end there. "We weren't good for each other, Gguk. You can tell yourself that we were, that we belonged to each other. But I can't help but wonder — if I had never gotten pregnant, would you still be here?"
Would you still be here? Yes. The answer is clear as day, where it sits heavily against his tongue. There had never been a moment in their relationship, where Jeongguk has stopped to think of their progression. But that was the problem. He'd never stopped to think of whether Namjoon was happy at home — working on songs, and waiting patiently for someone who would return drunk and stumble noisily around. Because at some point, there relationship had stopped being just that. It became a babysitting job.
"Yes," he answers, anyway. It is the truth. He would not leave, even if it meant throwing his pride into the Han River, and sinking to his knees with pleads.
"Do you love me?"
"I loved you before I even touched you. I craved you, before I could even miss you. Things are looking up for us now, and yes, it is a little late. It is later than all the nights that I returned to you; and it is later than all the nights that you stayed up missing me. I've made you wait, and it's selfish of me to keep it up. But Namjoon, there is not a single second that I ever think of a life without you. Maybe I'm always late, but baby, I've always been early when it comes to loving you."
Jeongguk's words are soft, but confident. He is certain that not a single person out there, will love Namjoon as purely as he does. He isn't fixated on finding out, either. There's a soft pause, and when he inspects closer, Namjoon's shoulders are shaking. The younger male vaguely wonders when his lover had become a silent crier. There are no sobs to accompany the tremble in his body. Jeongguk cannot identify when the change had occurred, and something burns within himself. Then Namjoon looks up, and meets his eyes for the first time tonight.
"I want you to love me, the way that you would have loved me four years ago."
"Oh, sweetheart. I never stopped." Jeongguk whispers softly.
-
It is later that evening, with their legs intertwined, and bodies covered in a soft sheen of sweat; when Jeongguk realizes that he had yet to address something.
"Namjoon?"
"Hm?" The finger trailing against his skin pauses, as wide eyes look up to meet his own.
"When you feel lonely, I want you to remember, that it is okay to cry. Cry out loud. Shake it off. And when you are done, or even before then, come find me."
There's a soft silence between them, where the only sound is the quiet thrum of their floor AC. Jeongguk almost thinks that Namjoon had fallen asleep, and missed his words. But then he recognizes the tremble against him, again, and for the second time tonight; his lover cries.
They don't speak, and Jeongguk doesn't whisper gently to Namjoon. He does not console him, because he wants the other to feel his assurance. Because it is okay to cry, and it is okay to continue until you feel drained; to let it all out. There will be times in which he does not have the words to say or spill between the two of them — and it will be okay to cry then, too. He doesn't console him, because he doesn't want Namjoon to stop on Jeongguk's accord. He will finish crying when he's ready, and even then, the younger man will lie awake in wait.
-
Somewhere between midnight and an hour after; Namjoon stops. And then he leans up, and brushes the faintest kiss across Jeongguk's cheekbone. And when he speaks, the stars cry.
"I love you."
Because it is with faith, that the night will end for them; and the sun will shine.
-
I am late with updates, yet again. But I hope this is something that can be enjoyed and interpreted in the right direction. It is not the end, for Namkook, but the beginning.
I think I put a lot more thought into this chapter, because it is a reflection of my own feelings lately. There is only sadness that follows me, right now. I wish it would leave.
But I hope that you too, and everyone who needs to, will cry out loud. Do not silence yourself for anyone else.
With that, I will end the chapter and it's notes. Thank you for loving and supporting me. I hope you can sit right until the next chapters emerge.
