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Waring: here's some cringey deppresion shit aka my life in the past two years summed up

Enjoy idk

Hi so uh yeah I made a excuse of me getting into a fight and not being offline,yes I did get into a fight but the main part of me not being online was cause I was extremely deppressed and my past was coming back to haunt me,you see,I am not good at having romantic relationship's at all

I got rejected by the one person who made me feel happy and safe in a long time,we're still friends but that just made me think

Am I even good enough?

My first boyfriend (which was in 6th grade) let's name him.....Alex..
Alex and my friend Jade had a little friend group and I slowly devoped a crush on him,he was a bit of a flirt and he was playful and that's what I loved about him,how he was sweet and funny,,but he liked other people.

Jade knew about my huge crush on him and so did this other person,so one day I decided to confess to him publicly and he accepted,but then I had to go offline for about five days due to something mandatory that came up and then jade texts me some screenshots of their conversation on Skype in which he said he wasn't comfortable with this relationship or something like that he decides to text me saying that we should break up

His brother contacted me and said he was currently at a 'mental hospital' and he was emotionally unstable

That made me snap cause jade showed me screenshots of him and some other girl (let's call her spooked cause that's close to her real name) spooked talking and heck they where flirting on each other's profiles

I cried for 3 weeks and didn't eat for a couple a days,the least I had was cereal and waffles

My mom had no idea about this and didn't give a shit and thought I was on my period or something

Jade tried comforting me
I attempted suicide about 6 times,me being a dumbass,over a guy that I loved...

Then comes Marley,a cute girl from Florida who was harrassing my friend Jade on DeviantArt

I talked to her and tried getting her to back off she said she was sorry but then we talked and got to know each other better and and we had a lot in common,then she asked me out only knowing me for one day
She was sweet but that went too fast so I rejected her and said I needed to know her better

Eventually she did get to know me after two weeks and she asked me out in a really cheesy way and I said yes ,we kept our relationship a secret but after a certain amount of time I broke up with her cause I was scared for my dad since he got into a really bad accedent at work and he needed surgery,I was mentally unstable and just scared out of my mind since my dad was about 59 at the time ,he was a pretty old dude and I was just worried about him so I couldn't focus on my relationship with her,then I started to loose interest in her cause she got with someone right after I broke up with her,then I was talking to jade and jade sent her screenshots of me saying I didn't love Marley as much anymore and she got deppressed and that made me feel worse than I already was

I made a dick move I called her a hoe for dating so many people and I just snapped and went offline for a while,I rped with someone to take that situation off my mind and here is where Aki comes in

Aki was the person I rped with most of the time and lemme say his personality is sort of compared to shoto todorokis from bnha,but he was extremely protective of me

I talked to him almost every day on Instagram and DeviantArt and he is just a smol bean❤️❤️❤️he is my best friend tbh becides jade,he's my first internet friend

But anyways,one-day he got jumped and didn't wanna tell me but when he did,I told him how much I cared about him and that I hated to see him get hurt but in between that I confessed to him and he said that he never once has had a romantic interest in anyone and that includes me and I was the first person to like him ,he said he was found of me but not like that

He was caring enough to ask if I was okay since I've told him about past times when I got rejected IRL and if I hated him but no I could never hate him

I still love him a lot you know
But it just hurts when someone doesn't feel the same way

So during the week that I was absent I got into a fight with some petty girl and my mom(both fist fights)all I have are some scraches and bruises but I'm okay

I felt like I kinda deserved that pain after all the shit I've caused in the past,and when I wasn't thinking straight I tried committing suicide again,I tried overdosing on meds but that didn't work I didn't take enough,I just got really sick

I did cut myself in the past but that would be to obvious so I just tried haning myself and that didn't work cause my brother almost walked in on  me

I don't fucking deserve anything
I'm not good enough for anyone
I've been backstabbed so many times that I can't even count
My own mother hates me and says I'm not her child

I just wanna disappear bit without hurting anyone

But that's not possible you know?
Cause I have the people I role-play with on this site and friends IRL that would be  devistated

Fuck

I really need some mental help but how my parents gonna believe this eh?they'll think I'm just fucking with them

Well my dad is the only reasonable person here cause he lost his brother to deppression,he's deppressed as well but not as much as I am

I'm getting better I guess I don't fucking know anymore

YEET time to Kermit suicide cya