July 19th, 2018
It is 8:18 am and I am contemplating drowning myself in caffeine. Probably not healthy, but very very needed. I don't know what will happen, but I do know that it'll probably give me anxiety and I don't need anymore of that. But like oh well, so I'm just gonna eat some pancakes and get back to you.
Update
It is now 9:45 am and I have created my abomination of caffeine. I am very caffeinated and I don't know hwhat I'm doing damil;t. I dont't knw waht i ;mk misssing. I'm getting frustrated and don't feel like editing what I just typed because fuck it. That jumbled mess is real, more real than most things so it's fucking staying. God, I am fucking angry and sad and just a mess all at the same time.; THis can't be healthy. Holy shit y'know.
Update
It is now 11:13 am and I am very dysphoric. Fuck my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiffffffffeeeeeeee. You ever have that moment when you look in the mirror and you're just dissappointed with what you see. Like you just feel your very soul crumble as you see the thing you've become and you can't help, but be fucking disgusted at yourself. I don't know, fuck. I just feel fucking horrified at my reflection, because I can see what I want to look like, what I see every time I think of myself. But THEY'RE SO FUCKING DISCONNECTED. WHAT I LOOK LIKE AND WHSATR I WANT TO LOOK LIKW/WHATR I FEEL I LOOK LIKE IS ARE SO FUCKNIG DIFFERENT. AHHH.
I am a kid and no I am not alright.
BUT IT'S OKAY. IT IS FINE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Sadly Yours,
James
