Tfios (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 25

May 3rd - Day 105

I woke up to soft murmuring whimpers dripping from Harry’s lips, his body curled in on itself, hands fisted in the sheets, forehead pressed against the mattress. His eyes were squeezed shut so tightly it must have painful, a thin sheen of sweat shiny on his forehead. 

The clock on the bedside table clicked 4:06, the hospital room dark but for the light from the door. I tried to block it with my body, to shield him as best as I could from the outside world. 

“Is it a headache, love?” I murmured, moving to take his hands, remembering the way he’d clutched at my fingers last time, using them as a lifeline.

He froze at the contact, shrinking away from my skin. “Don’t touch me, don’t touch me.” It was soft, frantic like he was fighting to get the words out as fast as he could. 

“Harry it’s just me.” I soothed, reaching for the call button, trying my best to comfort him. “It’s Louis.”

He merely squeezed his eyes tighter. “I don’t- No-” A breath that broke somewhere near a sob, then: “Don’t touch me.”

I nodded, biting my bottom lip so hard I was sure it would rip open and spill all the blood in my body down my chin as I drew myself slowly off the bed, being careful not to jostle him. He was in pain and it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know who I was. It wasn’t his fault he was pushing me away. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t need me.

I backed slowly up to the closet, my back hitting the door with a clack that made him flinch. I’m just hurting him, I’m hurting him and I can never stop hurting him. Tremors crept up and down my arms, shivers dancing across my skin as I sunk to the floor. I needed to help him, I needed to fix him and make everything okay for him because I couldn’t be okay until he was. 

I couldn’t even hold him while he fought against himself. I couldn’t even let him know he wasn’t alone.

Kaya rushed into the room with no more than a soft look at me, huddled with my knees brought up to my chest, fingers pulling at my cheeks, frustrated tears threatening to overflow. I wanted to leave so badly, to leave Hope here and run until my limited oxygen wasn’t enough to sustain me, until my lungs filled up and I drowned and drowned and drowned. Sitting here, I was drowning already.

But I stayed where I was, a shaking ball on the floor because in the end I couldn’t leave him for a million painful reasons. Because I promised I’d always be there, even when he’d forgotten why he wanted me to stay.

Because, as John Green says, love is keeping the promise anyway.

And so I was going to keep it, even though he probably wouldn’t ever know I had. Keep it even though it hurt to look at him. Keep it even as it tore me apart.

When it came down to it, I had no choice in the matter.

May 5th - Day 107

I watched him from the other side of the table, a frown pulling at the corners of my mouth even as I tried to configure it into a smile. We had moved ourselves down to the tiny coffee shop for the afternoon, grabbing a tiny table near the picture windows. The sky outside was gray and overcast, occasionally spitting droplets like it couldn’t decide whether or not it wanted to rain. 

“Seems strange that it’s spring already.” He said, looking up from his book to sneak a glance outside. 

I nodded, pretending I’d actually been reading my novel of choice as opposed to just looking at him. It was another one of those times where both of us knew what was happening but neither had the heart to stop it. “I don’t really like spring.” I replied, thinking fondly on this past winter, snug in sweaters and the comfort of Harry’s hand in mine. Ironically enough, I’d managed to find my warmth in the snow covered months.