Don't Shoot the Messenger

2 - interrogation

* edited

  Claire's POV 

 I try to pretend nothing happened. When I am asked what's wrong, I shrug it off saying I didn't sleep well the night before. A couple of days later my Dr. calls me in to discuss my test results.  

  "I will to refer you to a specialist as this is beyond my level of expertise. You have a rather extensive tumor; the scan shows damage to the occipital lobe. We will need to schedule you for surgery as soon as possible and do a biopsy when we remove the mass. The changes in your vision are consistent with craniopharingioma. Part of the tumor extends downward across the cerebellum and touches the brain stem. Now, you may have have had some minor loss of fine motor function, that would be an affect on the cerebellum." 

  He hesitated, and I could see him watching me... gauging my reaction. It seemed he was about to tell me the worst. "The brain stem controls breathing and heartbeat, among other things. Thus, the surgery should be done as soon as possible."      "A brain tumor? Like cancer?"   I said, still shocked into disbelief.    

     "Not all tumors are in fact cancerous." I am told. "Some can be removed without the need for chemotherapy, it depends on the type of cells involved and whether the cells have spread to the brain from elsewhere..." He goes on at some length, and hands me leaflets and a list of websites.  

   I am numb. Though I had worried about something like this, it was so unlikely... I felt like a hypochondriac for entertaining the idea in my more anxious moments. 'Some tumors are not cancerous...' he said *uck My Luck. How likely is that, given the way things have been going for me lately?  

  "And the surgery itself could kill me, couldn't it?" There is only a slight hesitation before he answers. "There is always a risk with any surgery. There are other potential side effects involving memory, motor functions and so on." He continues speaking with urgency... "The chance of death in surgery must be weighed against the certainty of death without it."

  He points to one of the scan images illuminated on a screen between us. "There are actually several factors that make your prognosis more favorable. If it is a tumor of the meninges, then about a third of them are non-cancerous. Note the absence of filaments spreading out of the tumor into the surrounding tissue. The tumor appears to be a discrete mass; the surgeon will not have to dig through healthy tissue to reach it. We need to do further tests to rule out certain things..."  

  "It is true that I cannot make promises, but at this point I am quite hopeful of a positive outcome. Even if it is cancer, with follow up treatment..." I tell him that I don't have insurance and I will think about what I can do. I know that without measuring growth over time he cannot tell me how fast it is growing...how long I have. I start up a search engine on my smart phone to get estimates on the cost of brain surgery.  

  ...The patient was in the operating room for 3 hours and 31 minutes and the operating room fee was $30,966. That's almost $147 per minute! From incision to surgery end, the procedure lasted 2 hours and 35 minutes. This leaves 56 minutes of non-surgical operating room time. 

  I'm dead.

For patients not covered by health insurance, the typical cost of brain surgery ....can reach $150,000 or more.

I'm so dead.

   I look at the numbers on the screen in front of me, and the hourly fee for the operating room alone makes my eyes swim. A website on brain tumors has more alarming news. If the cancer spread to my brain from elsewhere, no treatment will save me. I know I am not in the best frame of mind ( who would be) but the further I look, the worse it seems. I don't know how much I am just visualizing the worst case. I try to tell myself that it may not be as bad as I am thinking. Some types of tumors are not even cancer! I haven't had a biopsy, but the details I look into are not reassuring at all.