sunflowers and queen of the nights

the queen of the night

"almost."

"almost is such a awful word. it's such a painful word." i said looking at her with tear filled, big blue eyes.

"why?" she asked with the most concerned expression on her face.

i stopped and immediately realized she really didn't understand..so i explained

"i almost passed that class," "i almost got that job i prayed so hard for." "she almost gave me a chance." "he almost made it." i paused for a second, took a deep breath and said "you almost loved me like i loved you."

by the expression on her face, I could tell she finally understood.

she stood there for a second, took a deep breath and said "my God, i wish i had met you earlier, just a little bit earlier. guess sometimes, timing is everything. it's a make or break thing...and it broke us. maybe, we'll meet again in a different time and place in our life and we can try then. god, i hope for that. i'm so sorry."

tears ran down my face, as i watched them fall down hers.

"we almost had made it. we almost had good timing."
                         - "almost"

..............................................

i flashed a small shy smile and said
softly under my breath

"i hope you find everything you're looking for. i hope you find everything you need there."

she looked up at me with such a bittersweet smile and spoke the words i had spent so long dreading to hear, "thank you. for everything. goodbye, you."

i turned and as i got to the double doors i glanced back at her and said with a shaky voice "have a good night." i got even quieter and mumbled "goodbye, my love." i took a deep breath and walked through the doors with tears streaming down my face. and just like that, she was gone.

with the realization of knowing she would never be mine.

and all of a sudden, it was like there was no air in the room.

i couldn't breathe but i sure could smell her scent from a mile away

i turned around to see her looking at me, waiting for me to acknowledge her.

"what's up?" she asked with the biggest smirk on her face

i paused for a second, trying to burn every detail of her into my brain,

trying to ensure i would never forget her face

"hey." i responded in a soft shaky voice

she looks at me with the most passionate eyes, "i just thought i would come say goodbye." her words hit me harder then i could have ever imagined

'i wish you wouldn't have. i didn't wanna hear it." i answered her as i turned my body away so i wouldn't have to see her reaction

"i told you i would be okay as long as you didn't cry."

i wasn't crying...not yet anyway.

"yeah, you'd be okay. never said i would be."

i responded with the most hurt sound in my voice and that's when she knew, she had to make a choice and so...she did.
         -wasn't ever for us
.................................................

everyone always talks about closure, but what exactly is it? is it accepting that things happen? is it the same thing as 'coming to terms' with the fact you love someone and that love might not ever go away? is it forgetting about the store you guys never made memories in? because out of all the things I've loved and lost in my life, closure is...
                              - you choose
.....................................................

"i never was real good at goodbyes so i suppose i should feel thankful i missed ours."

--7.27.
.......................................

"my world spins a little differently now that you've left it."
 

                            - upside down never
                                 felt so right
...................................

as long as i can remember, you'll still be here with me.
                        -distance is a milestone
..........................

if we hold onto each other
really tight,
no amount of distance
can seperate us.
                            - dreams are cool too
....................

i watch the rain fall from the sky,
trying desperately to remember
what it was like
for you
to love me more.
                             - water and memories
..............

at the age of 7, my family was torn apart

at the age of 8, i was no longer innocent

at the age of 11, i was the reason my family was no longer together

at the age of 15, a boy took every last piece of me to boost his ego

at the age of 20, i will no longer let anyone take anything from me. i am a person. i am whole. i deserve more.
                        
                                  -price of living
______________________

i can't find
the words to say
or the air to breathe
so fuck you
for breaking me.
                             - loving you
________________________________

i always expected to love you forever. i mean, truth be told, i still do. but it's certainly a different kind of love. i always thought i would hold onto you forever but watching your truck drive away no longer makes me clench. maybe i won't ever stop loving you but i have stopped wanting you. i have stopped praying to God for you at three am. i have lost hope in you and found it in myself. so thank you for that.

                                 -expectations change

____________________________

you loved me so much
so much that your hand left an imprint in mine
so much that your voice shot through me like knives.
so much that i mistook your anger as hearts drawn on my pillow
so much that it almost killed me.
and sometimes, i think it still will.
                          
                           -the kind of love

_____________________________