sunflowers and queen of the nights

the truth

at 17 i loved a girl so much

she made flowers grow in the darkest parts of me

and at 19 those flowers are still there,

shinning so beautifully.

how?

because she taught me something

i never expected to learn from her

that sometimes you have to create your own light

and take care of yourself

because no one else ever will.

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"i love you. and i know that you love me. but it just isn't the same."

i just blankly stared at her for a few seconds. "you're right i do love you, but not the way you deserved to be loved."

with all the pain in her eyes, she looked up at me and said

"you need to tell her. tell her that you're in love with her. i know you're scared and life is against you two but there is something so visibly there. the feeling is there, and you need to tell her that before it's too late."

i didn't know what to say. i knew i had hurt her. i knew i had broken her heart, but she was right. I didn't love her, not the way she deserved, not the way i loved the girl who made me realize what love is.

so i reached out and grabbed her hand and with tears in my eyes i expressed how thankful I was to her.

"thank you. thank you for not just being the best friend i could have ever asked for, but the best girlfriend. thank you for loving me, supporting me, and for being so patient with me for the last two years. thank you for being with me while i figured myself out. you've been so great but now it's time for you to be happy too. so go. go find the woman that takes your breath away, go find the woman that makes your heart beat faster, and time slow down."

tears rolled down her face and she smiled so bitter-sweet.

and then responded, "thank you. i will. and go get yours before time flies by, like it did for us. i need to see you guys happy together to make peace with the time we loved and we lost. i love you. go be happy, sweet girl."

she let go of my hand, turned around, and walked through the double doors. i knew. i knew she had sacrificed so much for me, so i need to do this for her just as much as for us.

so, let's watch miracles happen. 

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you're not just a pretty face. you have such a huge heart, and such a pure soul. hold onto that. not for anyone, just for yourself.

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after everything that happened i decided it would make things easier and i would be so much happier if i just looked at things as a chance to grow, lets call it character development.

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your mouth is more sober when you're intoxicated.

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you stopped time for me and now i wish i never knew what that felt like.

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ya know, as soon as you stop wishing for something, you get it but i'm not sure i could ever convince myself or the universe that i no longer want you.

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no one is going to save you. no one is going to be able to get help for you. no one is going to be the voice in the back on your head telling you that you can. you have to be enough for yourself because if you aren't, no one will ever be enough for you."

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