sunflowers and queen of the nights

the rape

i said "please don't"

as he took his hand and slid it up inside me

but when it started to hurt

i could feel the tears sliding down my face

the farther he went, the harder my heart beat

i turned my head and buried my face into a pillow

all i could smell was the faint smell of

cigarettes and axe

he started to kiss me

when i came up with an excuse of why we couldn't

he said "well then we don't have much time."

he jerked my shirt off my head and

slid his slinky body over mine

made lines from my neck to between my boobs

i wouldn't look at him

my face was still hidden in a pillow

he grabbed my leggings and my underwear

pulled them to my knees

he placed his knees in between my thighs

and pressed so hard, that night stayed with me for two weeks

when he forced himself in me

i held my breath

the more i cried, he rougher he got with me

he left the bite marks on my breast

and the bruises on my inner thighs

so i would never forget where he had been

not like i would ever forget that night regardless

he kissed me over and over

but i couldn't force myself to remember how

i was suppose to press my lips against his

my momma taught me to be brave

but i was never prepared for the pain of that night

he pulled out of me to cum on my favorite shirt

i burned it and my favorite underwear the next weekend

he went right back in because he had to finish

and that was okay because if he hadn't would all of this pain,

would it just have been for nothing?

finally, when he was done i went into the bathroom

to clean all the blood of me

but the stains he left, i will never be able to scrub those away.
                                            - i'll never say
                                                      who
...............................................

the vivid sound his belt clinking as he unbuckled it plays like a unwanted sound in the back of my every thought.

                   - memories that eat you alive

................................................................

maybe i'm still breathing but my life ended the night you took, the only thing i had left, away from me.

             - breathing but am i really alive?

.......................................................................................................................................

you held the pillow over my face and if there had never been a knock at the door, what were you going to do to me?

                       - a question that has
                            haunted me since. 
                              my 8th birthday

........................................................

you married him and i was an inconvenient obstacle. so you did what any good athlete would do, you knocked down the obstacle and kept going but did you know that while you kept going forward, i was being pulled behind you?

did you hear my head smacking walls, and my cries for help when you didn't stop? or did you just not care when you saw the bruises and turned your head the other way with a faint smile.
 
                             - "happy birthday to me
.......................................................................

you are more then he made you feel, my dear.
               - you are more
..................................................................

the memories aren't going to go away. its all about how to chose to live with them. and i beg you, please, chose to live with them.
                          - please chose to live
                                         today
............................................................

the night you forced your way in was the night i decided no one was ever worth trusting.
                          - rape is more than
                                just penetration
...................................................................

rape is rape. "no." means no. "i don't know." means no. "i cant." means no. "i'm not ready." means no. crying means no. screaming means no. intoxicated means no. nothing means "yes." until you hear the word "yes." fall from her sober lips.
                                   - consent is
                                       consciousness
.......................................................................

i thought i could love you even through the memories of what you did it me.
                                   - i was wrong
........................................................................