Lake house // a.i.

Car Crash

Dear Diary,

What do I write in here?

I've been thinking a lot about mom and dad. About the car crash.

This is what she wants me to write about so why not?

How if I had just given my dad the charger and not made him get it himself from the backseat they would still be here. How I was hospitalized for a month. How I saw my mom and dad's bodies lying on stretchers getting pushed the opposite direction as me

I can't do this.

"Janelle, are you alright?" Mrs. Havens asked me.

"Yes," I shut my eyes. "I am." The timer finished and I got up quickly and extended my hand to my psychologist.

"Wait a minute, sit down." She gestured towards the chair and I let myself slump down again. "You spent a whole hour writing," She looked down. "Not even a paragraph. Why do you think its so hard to write down your feelings?"

"I don't know." I stared at the tiled floor.

"Are you positive?"

"Yes."

"Okay, i'll see you next week Janelle. Keep trying to write in that diary."I shut the door and met my grandma's friend outside.

Since my grandpa can barely walk her friend drives me to appointments most of the time. "Hola, Janie. Comò te fue?"

"It went okay." She was asking how my session went.

"Okay..." I didn't talk the rest of the way home.

-

Breathe in. Breathe Out.

I looked around the woods and took in the sight and the muffled sound of my feet hitting the grass. I havn't ran in a while and decided I should start running again.

I sprinted the last stretch to the top of the hill and slowed to a jog until I came to a full stop. I took a sip of water as I went closer to the edge of the cliff and sat down.

There where birds flying above me and chirping and on the ground below me was a deer looking around. The sun was setting making the sky look like a mixture of purple, red, pink, and orange and it reflected on a stream flowing through the middle of the woods. "Wow." I whispered in awe. I sometimes see this and wish it would last forever. The peace and the beauty, the world felt still. Unlike my head, which was full of thoughts unfinished and blurry visions.

-

"Hola abuelo." I smiled and hugged him as I sat beside him to watch T.V.

He is loosing weight.

His eyes look tired.

His skin, it's papery and thin.

His smile is thin and chapped but still holds the same warmth I remember as a child.

I love smiles. People always say you can hide anything with a smile but the truth is, a genuine smile is like no other. It gleams and brightens your face and reached the corners of your eyes making you squint just a little bit. I could always tell the difference between a real smile and a fake one.

-

It's strange how you can tell how old a tree is by its bark but humans can hide their age so well. Would that make humans unnatural? I suppose since there are so many surgeries and products you can use and get.

It's sad really.

It's sad because humans don't appreciate the beauty of naturalness. Most only appreciate what's processed and artificial.

I've spent a lot of time out here in the woods lately pondering thoughts about my world and how so many people are living and i'm sat here staring at the sky.

I guess its not so bad though, just lonely.

I heard a branch break from behind me and quickly turned around. "Sorry, I saw you walking and called your name but you didn't hear me." Ashton said quickly.

"Oh, it's fine." I got up and we started walking and for a while no one spoke. He would open his mouth every once in a while but then never said anything.

He doesn't speak to me for five days and now he is standing beside me and won't say a word.

We got to this little stream and sat and the edge of it on a rock. "Janelle," He paused like the words he was going to speak got stuck in his throat. "I need you to hear me out okay?"

This doesn't sound pleasant...

"What was the day you got into the car crash?" He asked me.

"December 9, 2013." He shook his head. "Do you remember what the other car looked like?"

"It was a white car, nothing too fancy, but that's all I remember. Why are you asking me this?"

"It was me."

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