The Best of Wives and The Best of Women

How will I know?

Dear Dad,
C.J. Cregg's writing an e-mail to her father to kill time during the filibuster, and it reminded me I haven't told you any tales from the White House in the last few weeks.

Here's one about how I got yelled at by a 19-year-old intern from the General Accounting Office (GAO). Josh was having his twice-weekly meeting with his assistant deputies to staff out inbox material for the next few days, one of which was deciding to which of the 400 government reports to eliminate in order to save the Taxpayers money. I was looking for a good piece of fruit. And since I've learned a lot about excessive government spending from Ainsley, I volunteered to do it. Did you know that the Department of Agriculture spent $40 Million on 280 reports?

Okay, so I got a team together and I went about the task of recommending which of the 400 government reports should be eliminated. As we ruthlessly cut programs left and right, a 19-year-old GAO intern heaved a sigh of disdain not once, but twice, in the span of about 5 or so minutes. When I asked her what was the matter, she said: "You seem to be screwing up the world all by yourself." Then, just as Ed, Larry, and the rest of my staff left to go watch the vote, I stuck around to ask her what was wrong. Come to find out, she felt that I blew through the reports whereas she had taken the time to read all of them.

As for the filibuster- you know how I was supposed to go to the Hamptons this weekend? Well, the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry, especially when a filibuster comes into play. A filibuster no one ever saw coming. Not the Senate leadership, not the Party leadership, not C.J., and not me. But a filibuster doesn't care if it's convenient or if you have any vacation plans, which is why I'm sure you're glad that the House stopped using filibusters in 1842 (the history of which President Bartlet lectured us about for at least two hours today), otherwise if it did, Stackhouse wouldn't have gotten ahold of a recipe book. The reason we need to stick around is that the moment the filibuster's over, there will be a vote. And once they vote, CJ will need us, especially Toby and I as we are the speech writers to spin the story. And we need the spin because it's a bipartisan bill and we're all for bipartisanship as long as we get the credit. So, CJ's taken the press corps hostage in the briefing room and us staffers in the West Wing. But it's not so bad because I get to hang out with Ainsley. I swear, Dad, Ainsley has this effect on me that no one's ever had on me before. I think I'm falling for her. Is this what it was like when you met Mom? How did you know that you were in love with her? Because man, Dad, she's like the light of the sun with the sweetest eyes I've ever seen. But I've got to ask, can you really fall in love so fast?

I'm betting that when you read this, you're going to be proud that I stayed. I'm betting you're going to end up rooting for a Minnesota Senator named Howard Stackhouse. 'Cause I gotta tell you, this doesn't seem like any old filibuster. It's our first filibuster, and I'm not a rules expert like Josh, but the rules of a filibuster are simple enough. You keep the floor as long as you don't take a break of any kind, lean on anything, or sit down. Before I continue, I want to say that if you ever have a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on anything and talking the whole time. You won't make it. I wouldn't make it. Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. He's 78 years old. He has a head cold. This bill is going to pass. He has no hope, to say nothing of I can't imagine what the hell it is he's fighting for. Stackhouse wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight and, lucky for me, he switched to reading David Copperfield.

It started with the bill you'll read about tomorrow morning called the Family Wellness Act. Josh had been leading staffers from the Legislative Liaison Office in negotiations with the conference chairman for weeks and this last Monday morning he walked into the Roosevelt Room and informed us that we had gotten the Family Wellness Act. So there it was, the Family Wellness Act, an omnibus health bill aimed at diseases that disproportionately affect children. This was a good day, cause something got done. The problem is, we only thought it was done. Josh received a message from Stackhouse to meet him on the Hill. Leo agreed and allowed Josh to go, but he wasn't concerned so long as he didn't give him anything because we did not want this to turn into a Christmas Tree bill and fall over when we placed the proverbial star on top. You know how that is. Now, the reason we weren't sweating Stackhouse is that, as you know, Stackhouse isn't someone you sweat. He's been around forever, but he has little influence, little power, and few friends. Anyway, no one thought much about the meeting with Stackhouse afterward. There are always going to be people who don't get what they want. I've been thinking about other things, like Ainsley.

And like Toby and Josh, I was also puzzled as to why the Vice President, who made his money from the oil industry, who champions the oil industry, volunteered to admonish the oil industry. Hoynes just kept hammering away, and we were reminded for a minute how close he came to being elected President. We agreed that it was an impressive display from Hoynes, but we couldn't get past the question of why he volunteered to do it. But then he found something even more strange. Apparently Hoynes put a poll in the field, which said that many voters were concerned about his ties to Big Oil. All of that would make sense if he were running for office anytime soon, but he's not. I mean he can't possibly think of challenging a sitting President as the current VP, can he? But as for the filibuster, I'll keep you updated.

Love,

Sam

Dear Dad,

I said I'd keep you posted about the filibuster, so here it is. Donna noticed a discrepancy between the photo-ops from his campaign trail, which consistently showed him with six of his grandchildren, and the newscaster reporting that he has seven grandchildren. From that, Donna did some digging and figured out that Stackhouse's grandson has Autism, which would explain why he was so determined to get funds for Autism Research in the bill. It also explained why he wasn't pictured because public events with lots of noise would likely be too overwhelming for him. He wasn't looking to satisfy the lobbyists who funded his campaign; he was just trying to help his grandson.

So CJ and Donna went to the President and Leo with the news about Stackhouse's grandson and that's when we all banded together to help Stackhouse get funding for Autism Research. And thanks to Donna, who knew about as much about Senate Rules from listening to Josh, we were able to find a way to help Stackhouse by having him yield for a question from a fellow Senator without yielding the floor.

And then came the big moment, Dad. Everyone was enlisted. You called whoever you had a relationship with and if you didn't get anywhere, they got a call from the President. We'd been at it 20 minutes and we were coming up with nothing until C.J. was able to get ahold of Senator Tom Grissom from Washington State. As they headed from his office to the Chamber, everybody started flooding into the Communications Bullpen to see what would happen. The only problem, of course, was that Stackhouse would have to know as much about rules and procedures as Donna had and not think we were trying to screw him. We stared at 14 different television sets while calculating in our heads the time it would take Hayes to walk from his office to the floor and we were in frozen silence while we listened to the rules of blackjack. And then it happened. Senator Grissom asked for Stackhouse to yield for a question, to which Stackhouse agreed.

And that was it. Grissom gave him a rest and an opportunity to answer some real questions about Autism. And when Hayes was done, McNamara took over, and after McNamara came Gianelli, grandfathers all. There'll be no vote tonight and the Senate will go home for the week. And since Stackhouse, with our help, blew the print deadline anyway, there's really no reason for Josh not to go back to the Conference Chairman and reopen the bill.

As you know from your days in politics, there are so many days here where you can't imagine that anything good will ever happen. You're buried under a black fog of partisanship and self-promotion and stupidity and a brand of politics that's just plain mean.

Yes, Hoynes had us nervous with his admonishment of Big Oil and yes, the President was making us nervous too. And was I annoyed that I had to postpone my trip? Yes, but that's for tomorrow, 'cause tonight I've seen a man with no legs stay standing, Dad, and a guy with no voice keep shouting. And if politics brings out the worst in people, then maybe people bring out the best 'cause I watched 28 U.S. Senators from both sides of the aisle come together onto the floor to help Stackhouse give his grandson, as well as the many more to come, a brighter future. Not to mention, I got to spend all that time with Ainsley, which made the whole thing worth it all on its own. I love you so much.

Your Son,

Sam
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