"You had the chance to get out of this lifestyle. Why didn't you take that chance?"
"A dog always returns to its vomit. Plus, this is my empire and he owes me. He thinks he's the kingpin, well I'm the fucking queen pin. I helped build all of this fr...
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F E A R
"I F I C O U L D S M O K E F E A R A W A Y I' D R O L L T H A T M O T H E R F U C K A U P"
Solana
I sat in the bathtub and watched the water trickle down from my ankle and back into the soapy water. I knew I had to figure it what I had left to do since Bakari decided that he wants to continue to be a hard ass. I looked at my phone and realized what today was, and why exactly I was feeling shitty; no matter how many times I tried to push the date out of my head, I knew it would keep finding its way back in somehow.
Today was my moms birthday.
Deep down, I wanted to call them, but I knew she wouldn't answer me— her or my dad. To say I missed and needed them was an understatement, but the only person who could always get me out of these funks was Bakari. He'd always talk me down from the ledge that I was on whenever I'd get to this point. After he left me, I had to learn how to cope with everything myself, but it never worked as well as his did.
I realized that tears were coming down my face when I unintentionally sniffed and started hyperventilating. I couldn't even force myself to get out the bathtub, so I just sunk further and further down and continued to cry until I couldn't even catch my breath. My heart was beating so fast and my body started shaking uncontrollably until my sobs turned into screams and the water in the tub started slapping against the floors.
"Solana!" Lauryn called and banged at the door, "What's wrong?"
I couldn't even get any words out, and that's when I realized I was having an anxiety attack. She quickly came into the bathroom and looked around at the water that was on the floor and me with my arms clutching myself. "Lana!" She ran over, avoiding the water spills and grabbed my arms. "Shhh... Solana, you need to breathe. Okay? Breathe. Look at me." She took my face into her hands, making me stop and look at her although my body kept shaking. "Shit." She mumbled and went to grab my towel.
Her hands went under my arms and pulled me out of the water, doing her usual routine when this happens. She wrapped me in the towel and sat against the wall in the large bathroom, pulling me to her lap and cradling my head as she rocked me. "I need you to breathe, Lana. Please? I don't like seeing you like this— breathe." She whispered and rubbed her thumb against my temple in small circles.
Within minutes, everything calmed down and my head rested against her knees as I laid in the fetal position. She didn't stop rubbing my head before I spoke up, "Thank you. I really hate when you have to see me like this." I sniffed.
She chuckled softly and shook her head. "It's what I'm here for." Aside from Bakari, Lauryn was the only person I ever let see me like this; not even Isis did. Lauryn first witnessed everything when I was finally out of prison and I tried to get an update on where my parents were; only to find out that they meant what they said about disowning me and cutting off all contact.
