there's nothing left *A Short Story* | HEMMINGS

01 - do i really love luke hemmings

"why can't i do anything right!" i yelled running through my front door and throwing my keys on the counter.

this was an everyday thing for me since i started dating luke. yes, luke hemmings the front man for 5 seconds of summer. yeah. i know.

his existence made me feel so happy but so...angry too? he was just so perfect. he had everything. a happy family, lots of friends, lots of money, good looks, success. everything i didn't have and everything i've always wanted. he was just a living, breathing reminder of that.

i ran into my room and slammed the door causing my dorm to shake and rattle in each square inch of the studio apartment-like space on harvard campus. i threw my jacket and purse onto my carpet and sunk to the ground on the other side of the door.

i sat there. for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the window.

wondering.

wondering what the world outside of that small glass window was doing. thinking about. dealing with. what are their relationships like? what are their lives like? have they seen me before? do they know who i am? do they care about my existence? probably not.

wondering.

wondering what would people do if i jumped out that window. would they do anything? would they call the police? would they just go on with their day? what would it feel like? what would it look like? what would luke do?

what would luke do?

that sentence replayed in my head for the rest of the night.

what would luke do?

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i woke up the next morning to about 20 messages and 23 calls from luke.

hey
amber
missed call from luke
listen
missed call from luke
let me explain
missed call from luke
it's just a pr stunt
missed call from luke
i promise
hey
missed call from luke
i know you're mad
you're being selfish
stop
missed call from luke
c'mon you're being annoying
i don't even like her anyway
it's just for publicity i swear
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
fine be like that
you're such a bitch
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
oh my gosh answer me
missed call from luke
i know you're not studying
how do i know? because you don't have any tests or exams. you told me.
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
and you're not doing homework because it's break
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
missed call from luke
fuck you seriously

"are you gonna call him back?"

i sat up, not expecting my sister april to come in. "no april, why would i do that?" i rubbed my eyes.

"text him?" she persisted.

april was always very persistent. she didn't stop until she got want she wanted. april and i have been friends forever, we got assigned the same dorm freshman year of college and here we are, 21 years old and still best friends. i mean, after all, we are twins. not identical though.

i simply replied, "no."

april sat down on my bed. "i don't know amber, i mean," she started, but she got cut off by my phone going off from a text. of course, it was luke.

i know you saw my messages
and left me on read too? wow

i groaned and fell back down on my bed. i didn't want to talk to him at all but he caught me red handed, ignoring him.

"i guess i have no choice," i mumbled as i pressed the call button, immediately regretting it.

luke answered within seconds with, "seriously? what the heck?"

i rolled my eyes. i can't stand him.

"what the hell do you mean? i'm supposed to trust that you don't have any feelings for that girl?"

"yeah! you're my girlfriend aren't you supposed to be supportive of me?" he screamed and i could feel the same burning sensation in my throat when he would yell at me in my face.

"well yeah but,"

"but no. you know what just forget it." and with that, he hung up.

i seriously can't stand him.

i threw my phone across the room in anger and start swearing under my breath. this is also an everyday thing for me. he just causes me too much stress for me to handle. april knows it. the band knows it. luke knows it. i know it.

"you know, maybe it's just time to give up. give up on him. you've been doing this for years, maybe you guys just need to-"

"no. no april, i-" i couldn't finish my sentence.

"i- i, i lo-" i continued.

"you don't." don't i? do i love him?

april left as i continued to process this.

do i love luke? i mean, i should.

i looked down at myself. i was wearing one of luke's white t-shirts. i practically own 90 percent of his old tees he doesn't wear anymore and i always wore them. always.

does this shirt bring me happiness?

no.

do i need it?

no.

does it mean anything to me?

no.

then why do i have it?

i looked over at my rack of clothes full with luke's shirts. i sighed, knowing none of this is what i want. but yet, i feel like i need to want them. have you ever wanted something so bad, you don't need it and you know you don't like it, but you want it so you can feel something? whether so you can fit in, or you think having it will create the illusion in your head that you're happy even when all that item brings is bad energy?

that item for me, is luke. i love luke. i loved luke. i think april is right. i should just give up. if i can't say i love him, then do i really love luke?

do i really love luke hemmings?