Online Player

Wolfmite WhiteShadow

To save you all the trouble, I’ll skip ahead and try and explain to the best I can about why exactly my life is kinda sucking and kinda rocking. Since, I ever started school, people have always judged me and it gets to that stage when you’re used to it. Back in primary all I would get was "Your weird" and my initial response was "Yeah, I get that a lot". 

But then, once I started secondary, it was like people were designed to ruin your day. One boy was fairly sweet to me, his name was Harley, and he was a football player, quite sporty. I have this thing where until I find 'the one' for me I will never stare into a guys eyes because I feel I can see their soul, their self truly. Anyway, this guy was the only one who never called me weird or judged me and to be honest, I felt wanted. I felt like this guy knew me and I hoped that one day someone would hurt me so much that he turned around and punched them, to protect me. For me.

The date is pinned to my mind. August 22nd, the lesson was Maths; Harley sat next to me trying to copy the last few answers. Life felt good. And then something clicked. Harley, blue eyes, buff body, leaned over to the desk and spoke in a seriously dreamy voice "Charlie, you do love me right?", now this may seem a little weird but Harley and me were friends so in a friend way, I turned to look at the lips of this Buff Funky Dude, and put a little grin on my face with an added bonus of a 'random-say-what' looks, "Of course".

Then, I heard it. A laugh emerged from his lips, he turned to face forward and without even looking at me, spoke "Don't think, I love you back, you know what Charlie, why don't you just go home and try and hold everything inside, including your breath" And with that he stood up and walked out.

That hurt. That feeling. My eyes wouldn't stop, they became waterfalls and crashed onto the pages of my book. My heart and lungs were closing inside of me, I was panting. Running home, clearing my face. My mother looked at me "Good day hunny?" "Yes" I responded. The worst part was that she was my mother, she was meant to know when something was wrong no matter how much I try and hide it but she didn't.

Everything I had ever told Harley, came back, when I said I was upset he wouldn’t hold me or tell me it was going to be ok, he would just stare at me. He never said I love you back to me, he had never made any promises to me. So I followed his command. 

I felt the oxygen leave my lungs, my heart beat slowly then increasing, realising my body’s commands wondering what I was doing, It was pounding against my chest but I shut my eyes and let it hurt. My wrists banging against the wall, until I could feel the blood and bruises forming before a 3rd hit. And then I opened my eyes, I saw myself, pictures of me on my wall, baby pictures. A birthday card, saying "Our baby girl". I felt so much pain, yet a tear still rolled down my eyes. My mind spoke for me "I'm so sorry" My knees hit the floor, and the darkness became my home.

That was 2 years ago; I woke up from that state still on the floor. I had no idea how long I had been passed out for, my lungs opened and I didn’t want to close them again. That was the first time I realised it was good, to want to die. 

Harley, stopped talking to me and instead found it in his heart to bully me and tease me about me 'getting on him'. My defence? Going bright red and trying to laugh it out.

And that takes us to now. Wanting to die isn’t the best thing to think. I don't cut myself anymore, and I cannot tell anyone at all, that is my pain. So, I got on my laptop (saviour of all heart pain), and looked for chat sites. And I came across this, "WolfMite". The description was exactly what I had been looking for "Those who need to connect the dots in their life, join millions online within your age and fill that gap, become the Alpha". It hadn’t struck my mind how this was mainly, well defiantly related to Wolves.

I stated my name "Charlie" Age: 16 Looking For:......., what to put? I wasn't looking for a relationship or a therapist. But I was craving a friend, especially a boy. I love those Tumblr couples who fall for their besfriend. But I couldn't specify "boy-friend" because of the thought of them being like Harley. So I put "Friend for difficult times". 

Low and behold, he popped up. He called himself "White Shadow". We got talking and I enjoyed it. It hurt at school, having to deal with it but once I got home I could be either myself or someone completely different. 

And so dear reader, although I find this a sad chilling yet somewhat believable reality story. This is my life. Many of you may think I could have avoided that or made some different choices and my response is you’re probably right, but I could say the exact same thing about your life. This is my life, I don’t know if this was destined or just my plain idiotic life that someone actually finds interesting. This is how my life turned upside down (metaphorically of course), this is how I met The Online Player.