CODES

S E V E N T E E N

I needed to calm down. Even after I left Xerses' office, my heart raced. I was sweating. The cool air of Chicago's night did nothing for me. I wanted it to, but by the time I made it back to my apartment, I was burning up. The walk up the stairs only made it worse.

"Roger?" Clara met me at the front door. It wasn't that I knocked. I'd stood there for what could've been minutes—panting, rubbing my head, wanting to get my thoughts together. The security system must have alerted her.

She leaned against the doorway before pulling me inside, turning the lock behind me. "Roger, you're burning up," she said, her hand on my back.

I looked into the apartment we shared. The curtains to our windows were pulled open, exposing the moon, the stars. As Clara came closer to stand in front of me, I was reminded of the first night I told her how I felt; to look through her eyes and see the night sky.

Back then, it had been my escape.

I need to escape, Clara.

"What happened?" She frowned, looking up at me. "You've been seeing Xerses a lot, and when you come back home—"

"I know." I wrapped an arm around her and turned her towards the window. Leaning my head against hers, I closed my eyes.

"—And you won't tell me what's going on." She grabbed my arm. And held tight. "It's not like you to hide things from me, you know."

As I moved her closer to the window and focused on the stars in the sky, I chuckled. A soft, nervous, uncomfortable laugh. Had she forgotten how we were before? "I'm okay," I said, licking my bottom lip. A plane passed overhead, quietly soaring through the clouds. I looked at it for a moment before shifting my head to look at her, into her eyes. "I'd tell you if I wasn't."

I'm lying to you, Clara.

"But you don't look okay," she said, locking her gaze with mine. "You're sweating, you're hot, something's wrong."

I'm trying to protect you until I know what this is.

"I'm just a little disconnected, that's all." I was being a little honest. There was that. "With the rush of all the Malfunctioners, I," deflect, deflect, deflect, "think it's affecting me, too."

Clara quickly turned. Her brown eyes glistened with emotions. I was able to read her temperature with ease, and with the fluctuating heat, I knew her thoughts ran rapid. Yet, still, I couldn't tell her everything. "The Malfunctioners? Really?"

They were the beginning piece of this; a move she and Erica made when they tried to help us. They hadn't intended on it, I know that. But that didn't change the fact that it happened... and with Polk reappearing, I needed to make sure I knew what we were dealing with before I told her the entire story.

"Yeah, really, but," I smiled, "I'm okay. X's running some tests, that's all. I'll be good as new before you know it..."

But telling her everything? I wasn't sure if I would. If Xerses and I could figure this out, then there wasn't the need. Just like... I didn't want to tell her how I felt disconnected, how my memories were affected. Was it wrong that I wanted to keep her gumdrops and rainbows alive?

If she knows how dark my past was, I'll be nothing but an endless storm for her.

Cupping her face, I looked into her eyes before glancing down at her lips. They glistened as she whispered, "I love you, Roger."

And despite the saying, a lot of rain did hurt.

"I love you." I gently pressed my lips against hers.

"Just..." Clara glanced back into my eyes. "I just want you to be okay."

I don't want to be her rainstorm.