my brothers best friend // s.m //

16.

regan
july 20th, 2014
-

i woke up in shawns arms, my head in his chest. "are you awake?" he whispered, a small giggle following. my stomach erupted in butterflies, hearing his morning voice. he's slept over once before but it wasn't like that.

"i'm awake." i ran my fingers up and down his bare chest. i traced his abs, my eyes shut.  he grabbed my hand and brought my fingers to his lips. "don't you get lonely and when you're moms not here?"

"i'm never really here." i nodded, sitting up. i sighed, fixing my shirt. i wore shawns sweatpants because i didn't have comfy clothes.   

i got out of bed and went to his window to looked out of it. i put my knotty hair into a ponytail and as i leaned against the glass, i heard shawn sit up.

"are you okay?" i didn't look back at him or answer. i just looked at my fingertips turning white from grabbing the ledge. "regan?"

this time he stood up, and i turned slightly. "what's wrong?" i bit my lip, feeling my eyes water.  "was- is it last night?"

i swallowed, hard, turning to face him.  when we locked eyes, he knew. "fuck," he whispered to himself, rubbing his eyes. "rae, i didn't know-"

"it's fine-"

"i mean, it's not," he laughed a little. "if you didn't want to, then it shouldn't have happened."

i shook my head, still against the window. "i did want to. but, but i woke up not right." "what?" he asked, getting a little closer. "i just feel different."

"about us?" "no-" he furrowed his eyebrows in sadness. "talk to me, please."

"i just don't feel pure." my voice cracked a little and i looked down, a tear falling. i held my arms close to my chest. shawn when to hug me, but i moved his arms. "no-"

his lips parted, looking at me. "i'm really sorry," he frowned. "if i would've know-"

"i didn't even know." i looked up at him and he just looked sad. sad because i was sad. i don't even know what made me feel sad. "it's not you're fault. at all."

he nodded. "i'm gonna have marcel bring me home because i'm supposed to be with him." he nodded again.

"we're still together, right?" he asked, quietly, as if he shouldn't. "of course, shawn." "do you still love me?"

i frowned, wrapping my arms around him. "yes, i love you." he sighed in relief, rubbing my back.
-

i got in the car and looked at my best friend. "why do you look so sad?" he asked, backing out of shawns driveway.  "i thought you guys where gonna, you know."

"we did." i whispered, biting my nail. "so?" "nobody told me i would be sad the next day."

"you're sad?"

"i feel lost." i sighed, looking out the window. "like, like... dirty, almost."

marcel gave me a weird look. "i don't know anyone whose ever felt like that. i've also never known someone 16 who lost their virginity to a committed boyfriend."

"do you think that's it?" i asked, looking at him.  he raised his eyebrows. "do you think i just love him so much that i'm scared?"

"scared about what?" he started. "scared that shawn, the boy who looks at you like you're his world, would think differently of you?"

i shrugged and marcel looked at me in disbelief. "are you fucking kidding me? regan, he loves you." i nodded.

marcel grabbed my phone at a stoplight and hit shawns contact, calling him. "no-" he put his finger up, waiting for it to pick up.

"rae?" shawns voice sounded hopeful. "it's marcel." "oh, is everything okay? is she okay?"

"she's being kinda stupid," i smiled faintly. "shawn, to be blunt, do you think differently of her now that she's not a virgin?"

"marcel!"

"what?" shawn asked, confused. "do you think differently?" "no, why would i?"

marcel gave me a look. "that's what she's upset about."

"regan, you think i'm like that?"

"no, i didn't say that," i breathed out. "can we talk about it later?"

once again, marcel rolled his eyes. "i'm leaving now." "leaving for where?" i asked, looking at the phone. "i'm coming to your house."

"shawn-"

"i'll see you in 15."
-

;(

ok this is lowkey sad but i think it's a lil different for a change.

make sure to vote oky ty

also school started and it's a lil harder to update but o well.

-lidia