Boobs and Other Potty Mouthed Words

Chapter 14: Ryan's Terrible Love

I have been used many times throughout my life. I'm a fucked up person, I let it happen. I like to be the person who gives a small amount of happiness to someone. It's happening right now. The moment I wanted since I saw her. The moment I've had to hold back from for so long. She's melting in my arms, her taste exploding in my mouth, her cheeks burning red. And I'm being used, but I don't mind this at all. I have been used to giving such a kindness to a person in need. Her voice was begging for more then just a hand to hold. I turn, pulling her hands towards the couch. She follows blindly, letting go entirely. She's mine for the moment, the night and after she'll probably regret these actions. She'll become mad at me. She'll blame me and leave me like all the rest. I lead her on the couch softly, she lays down pulling me on top. Like a dog following it's master, I lean down to her lips once more. I press my lips against hers, I lick them, I push my tongue in her mouth and allow myself to hear soft sighs echoing from her mouth to my ears. I can feel her dress riding up and she's not stopping. This is tainted and I want nothing more to hold her, to kiss her, to hear every moan her voice has to offer. I start kissing her neck gripping her dress and pulling on it.

"Ryan..." her soft, sweet voice echoes through my ears. A hint of uncertainty. A hint of regrettable passion. With any other, I would ask if it was okay. They would have said yes. And I would continue until the backlash. But right here...right now... I part looking at her, realizing something .

This isn't like the rest. She's different. She always has been, always will be. I want this not to fix her, I don't want to fix her or help her like this. I want to hold her. To cherish her. I want to make her feel what it's liked to be loved. I don't want sex. I want something much more because even if she's hurting. I wouldn't be able to live with the consequences. I wouldn't be able to live with the next day being an awkward goodbye after she cries because she gave something so easily to me. I want to keep her. So... I can't do this. I can't undress her. I can't kiss every inch of her skin. "Grace," I breathe cupping her adorably red cheek. "Grace." I sit up looking at her trying to explain.

"Ryan, why did you stop?" She asks, sitting up with her elbows her chest heaving.

"Because this isn't right." I say softly looking at the ground.

"I don't care. I don't care." She says grabbing my arm and trying to pull me back. I shake her off, running my hands through my hair.

"You will care though," I say standing up and pacing in front of her. "Because everybody cares. And when they realize they made a mistake...they leave. They go. They're gone. I don't want to lose you." I stop and look at her. Her eyes search the room as she pulls up her straps.

"Am I not... pretty? Are you just making some excuse so I don't feel bad? Is there something wrong with me...? You've done this before, right? Why not with me?" She asks feeling the rejection and hurt.

"You are beautiful," I say sitting down and grabbing her hand. She takes it back but I take it once more holding it tightly. "If you weren't Grace, I probably would continue. But you are Grace. You see through me. If we continue you will only see moments of regret. I can't allow you to do this. You're worried. You're hurt. You're the most beautiful woman I have ever had the privilege of meeting but I can't have sex with you. Not like this." She looks at me, taking a deep breath. "Not right now."

"I don't wanna be alone." She says sniffling.

"You don't have to be. I won't leave. I just won't have sex. I'll hold you. I'll sleep next to you but not with you. I'll touch you in the most innocent of ways. I'll kiss you in the warmest. I care for you. But I won't have sex." I say leading her to my arms. I watch her as she folds into them and holds onto me tightly.

"I'm tired..." she finally says as rain starts to fall.

"I know." I say softly petting her hair. She lays her head on my lap, gripping my pants as she lets silent worrisome tears fall. She closes her eyes.