Monsta X Oneshots

On My Own (ShowKyun)

Hyunwoo is in the kitchen, as per usual. He knows Kihyun will probably blow his top when he finds out he's finished the rice. Which is weird, because Hyunwoo doesn't even like rice that much. But there were barely a few bites and nothing else to eat (i.e. nothing immediately edible by just a turn in the microwave), so he decided, why not. Nothing like a quick midnight snack. Anyway, it's about 2 am.  Which implies that the rest of the dorm should be dead to the world.
Should be, because he senses someone other than him is up and about. Hyunwoo's been sneaking midnight snacks long enough to be familiar with the nuances of the small hours of the night. He heard a door creak through the silence, followed by a gentle click as it shut, then padded footsteps which were faint, grew louder and then faint again as they passed by the kitchen and away.
It's been about twenty minutes since. Shownu doesn't even consider Hyungwon as an option. It can't be Minhyuk or Kihyun, because their room is closer to the kitchen and he'd definitely hear it clearer. Minhyuk usually wakes up if he's thirsty, and Hyunwoo's had to bear interference in his snacktime more than once. It's still not him because why would he have passed up a chance to bug Shownu at 2 am? And Jooheon has already crashed, tired as hell from a day of recording and Hyunwoo left him out cold in their room, but he wouldn't roam around the dark dorm at midnight for the hell of it, scaredy cat as he is.
Hoseok was literally drunk on ramen earlier, so chances are slim.
That leaves Changkyun. And I.M. doesn't fuss over darkness. He also stays up late writing lyrics sometimes. He also prefers solitude. And the maknae probably knew hands down it's the leader in the kitchen. Hyunwoo rinses his bowl and sets it in the rack, then stands thinking for a minute. Changkyun doesn't seem to be writing. He doesn't seem to have entered another room. He is also not watching TV, as he can tell from the silence.
So why is he up?
Shownu understands better than anyone the need for some private time. He and the maknae have had their silent understanding ever since debut. But then again, he's leader and Changkyun's their baby. He figures he'll just check up on him and then head back to bed.

***

I accidentally thought about No Mercy again. It was hard not to. Earlier that day I heard the intro to the survival show playing on Hoseok hyung's phone. He and Minhyuk hyung seemed to have been watching it.
That was enough for me to be thrown back to my predebut memories.
And I am not particularly fond of them. The second anyone mentions No Mercy my brain automatically pulls out the very same vulnerable, uncomfortable feeling I used to have throughout my time on the show. The feeling I hate so much, the memories of being the most unwelcome trainee ever.
I would not wish such a situation on even a deadly enemy.
I couldn't forget it or burn it from my mind. It kept nagging me all day. When my brain began to roll the forbidden episode of the other trainees being interviewed about me, I couldn't take it anymore. My breath caught in my chest and I rushed out of the room before I could choke.
Blindly, I made my way to the roof. And I'm still here.
The cold breeze is a relief after a few forbidden tears squeezed out of my eyes, hot and burning:
You're not welcome, I.M.
I breathe deep and steady, hands numb as they clutch the cold metal railing hard. I shake my head slightly. I need to put this behind me now... In reality, I have buried away No Mercy as deep as possible in the deepest part of me. It's just that the wound never heals; the slightest trigger rips me like this. I become an insecure, fragile thing.
And I hate it.
I am a mature man. Jokes aside, we are all mature men. I know none of my hyungs take those hostile feelings of No Mercy seriously anymore. It was just a phase, our path to debut made awkard in more ways than one. We were all just doing what we had to to survive.
Then why am I like this?
I'm not supposed to care. I can completely understand the others' feelings at that time. Hell, I would've done the same.
But it hurts...
I hit my head on the cold metal, teeth gritted as hot, short pants escape me, along with more tears.
It hurt, still hurts and always will...
I'm not supposed to be wrecking myself over the past. This is just my brain being irrational. I honestly am over No Mercy. But these memories cannot be erased, these feelings cannot be drowned. They drown me, and I hate it.
"Kukkungie?"
I gasp and my head shoots up. In the dark of night and through tears I can't see clearly, but I know Shownu hyung's voice. He is quiet but shocked. No wonder I didn't hear anyone sneak up--hyung is quiet.
And I'm a mess...
"Changkyunnie! What's wrong?" His voice rises slightly in concern. I hope to brush him off, hurriedly wiping my face. I try to mumble an answer, but the words are lost in the thick lump in my throat.
I turn away from Hyunwoo, trying to calm down. My brain seems to have shut down as tension adds to the mess of my emotions, so I am frozen when he confronts me again.
"Changkyun-ah?" He comes to my side, a gentle hand on my shoulder. "What's wrong?"