"It'll be worth it in the end."
"All this pain and work will pay off."
"Just hang in there, everything will work out in the end."
"It's going to be okay. Just trust me."
You sit on your bed, thoughts running wild as tears streamed down your face.
When? When will it all pay off? When will it all be okay again? When will I be happy again?
How will i ever be happy again?
You get up from the mess of memories laid across your bed and trudge over to your window seat. Earphones in, you watch the sunset over what normally would have been a spectacular view. For a few minutes.... nothing. No thoughts. No memories. No torturous fantasies. Just silent tears and that oh so familiar ache in your chest, but of course, nothing good lasts forever.
The song starts to play. The song that started it all. With it comes the flood. It's too much for you. It's not enough. You relive every moment.
The first time you saw him. The first time you looked into his eyes. The first time you caught him staring at you. The first time he smiled at you. The first time you spoke to him. The first time you got those godawful butterflies. First touch. First hug. First kiss. First stolen moment. First time, after what felt like a lifetime of pain, that you finally believed you could be happy again. For the first time in forever, you had something you never thought you would have again. For the first time in forever, you had hope.
You clutch your chest and curl up. Breath harsh and ragged. The tears fall faster now. A headache forms but still you push. Searching for more, craving more, needing more. Desperately you struggle to remember the good times. The times when it actually felt like he cared. When he would worry about you and fight for your attention. The times when he showed his love for you without you having to beg or trick or fight for any sign of it.
"I love you with all my heart and that is all that matters."
"I can't lose you."
"You mean so much to me."
"I'm here for you. Always."
"I love you the most."
"I love you..."
Lies. Lies. Lies! Lies! Lies! It was all just lies!
You get up and pace. You want to scream. You want to run. You want to...to do something. Anything. Anything at all, but you can't. No matter where you go, no matter how fast you run, no matter how far you go, you are still trapped. Trapped in all this anger and love and fear and... and sadness...
You stop pacing. You walk over to your window seat and sit down. Earphones in,you watch the sunset over what normally would have been a spectacular view. Mind blank. Mind blank. Mind blank...
But I heard you say you loved me
That's the part I can't forget
And I wish that you'd come save me
Cause I'm standing over the edge...
Loving you is suicide...
~Cathy Dennis
