See You in Hell

May 2nd

I woke up this morning with a headache, not surprising considering I always do.

And there you have it, the first reason why it might be easier to be dead.

Sometimes I think I'd be happier if I was prettier, but I doubt it would change anything. My parents would still be dead. I would still be sad. I would still cry myself to sleep, and I certainly would still be writing this goddamn journal.

I think that suicide is in my genes. My mother purposely overdosed 2 months after my birth. My father jumped off of a bridge when I was 7.

I think they're the reason why I'm doing this. I want to be the first one to actually survive. I'm competitive in that way, but I doubt that even I, the queen of competition will make it.

Anyways, I went to school today.

I know, it's a big shocker, considering my very, very, VERY, low attendance rate. But I told myself that I have to go every day for this month, so that I have something to write about, and maybe it might help the feelings I have inside.

My old best friend, Marianna, greeted me at the door. She was the blondest, bubbliest cheerleader in the whole high school, and probably the bitchiest, but she was the only one who understood what I was going through, and the only person who actually cared about me.

"Hey Ash. It is so, so, so good to see you!!! How have you been doing! Omg I absolutely love what you did to your hair. Like it's totally working for ya! Are you coming to the pep rally on friday? I heard Harrison's going to be there.." Marianna squealed. As I said, she's pretty bubbly. Harrison is my old best friend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend turned crush. We haven't talked since last August.

"Mari, calm down. He has a girlfriend.." Unfortunately for me.

"They just broke up a few days ago! It's perfect, you two can date again!"

"Or not. He's too popular for a loser like me."

"Ashley.. Shut the hell up, you're a cutie and I'm going to give you a makeover. My place, tomorrow after school. Or else."

Whenever she talks like that I know she means business. So I agreed to go. Luckily the bell rang, so we had to go to class. Thank god, she was making my head hurt even worse.

Classes went by slowly. As if this wasn't torture enough, I got homework. Actual pieces of paper with words and numbers on them that I actually have to do at home.

I think I'm beginning to realize why I left in the first place.

After school I ran home, and jumped on my bed. I grabbed the stupid so-called 'homework' and started working on it. I wish I could call in sick but I made a commitment to this dumb thing so I have to do it.

It's only Monday and I'm already ready to quit.