A penny for your THOUGHTS?

Daily Thoughts #1

You ever just lay on your bedroom floor looking up at the ceiling? Well I do though it's a bit different. Instead I feel like I'm in the ocean and my ceiling is the surface of the water that I can't reach. I'm drowning. And no one can save me. But he could. He could pull me to the surface and I'd breathe again and find a reason to live but he's gone. So I just sink further and further like a leaf falling from a tree swaying back and forth well that's me. Except I'm a person with bricks chained to there arms and legs sinking to the bottom of an endless ocean waiting to drown but it never happens. Instead I stand up and continue on with life. Playing video games, hanging out with friends. The normal teenager stuff. Minus the eating, and sleeping. I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I didn't know how to live without him. Now I still cry but I don't sleep. Instead I go walk around the park and think and think and think until I can't take it anymore and I just put in my earbuds and try to drown out the voices in my head. Hasn't worked though. And I'm afraid it never will. I'm being punished for taking him for granted. I'm a lovesick puppy and life is kicking me endlessly to the ground over and over again without rest. Course nobody knows this and nobody can see me dying inside. I give them that 2 word lie. I'm fine. And they believe me, and why shouldn't they? On the outside I'm completely normal looking. No one sees the scars from the cuts, no one sees my ribs from the lack of food, no one sees the bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep. They just see me the same person they thought I always was. Sometimes I just want to scream at them and hate them for not noticing but I don't. I know it's not their fault, it's mine. On top of this lovesick depression I'm bipolar. So my mood is like a fucking rollercoaster I can't get off of. I'm stuck forced to go back and forth being happy or sad or angry or fucking livid and people have no idea why. Sure they joke and say dude your bipolar. Yeah I am and I can't stop. I can't stop anything. I can't stop the bleeding, the puking, the mood swings, the voices even the breathing. I. Can't. Stop. But I want to..