It's always been hard for me to talk about how I feel. Mainly because how am I supposed to talk about how I feel when most of the time I don't even know what I feel. I know I feel numb sometimes, other times I feel pain in my stomach because I'm not eating enough. Most of the time though I just feel empty. And sometimes I'm not even aware of the fact that I'm alive. I just stare out into space listening to every single beat and tune of my music trying to drown out the world around me that I'm not apart of. It never works though. If I sit space out for too long I start to wonder. What it would be like to be hit by a car then I find myself on the sidewalk taking a step into the street. Or what it would be like to swallow a bunch of pills and just peacefully sleep forever, then I find myself with a hand full of pills inches away from my mouth. Obviously I never go through with the idea. But I want to. Death just seems so peaceful. You look at a corpse and they seem at rest. They don't seem to be in pain or are suffering in any way. That's what I want to feel. I want to feel at peace and end the suffering but the only way I could is suicide. S. U. I. C. I. D. E. S. U. I. C. I. D. E. S. U. I. C. I. D. E. That word has been thought of so many times but how many of us actually have the courage to do it. How many of us can accurately say they don't have one thing on this planet to live for. Not many. I wish I had nothing holding me here. I want to be free in a way only death grants. Someone told me that I shouldn't wish for death because I had no idea what the afterlife was like. What if it was worse than death. I never really thought of that, but what could be worse than being stuck in a world you don't belong in walking around in a gray paradox unable to break free of the looming depression. Lots of things could be. But I'd rather be tortured for the rest of my life after death than continue to live and feel this pain. People might say that's the dumbest thing they've ever heard. "it gets better" oh yeah? When. Before or after I die?
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RandomThese are just my thoughts that I kept inside for so long that I just needed a way to release them so I figured I would write them all down to keep them out of my head. Each chapter has a different song that I personally like just for fun. And feel...
