SheWolf

11

Very long chapter, lots of shit happens. Mature content.

Raelynn

I got less than an hour of sleep last night. I couldn't sleep, knowing that Jim knows about what happened last night. I've never been so embarrassed. I would be embarrassed if he didn't find out, because I did that in the first place.

Hormones overtook me, I decided. It wasn't my fault that it happened- yet I don't regret it.

It's an odd feeling, being beside myself like I am. Usually I think out what I do, and I was spontaneous last night. I learned my lesson. Plans; good. Being spontaneous; bad.

I also feel so guilty for leaving her there asleep and naked like that. I should have woken her, or at least cover her with something. A note would have been nice too. I was in such a rush, I turned into Clay. Hitting and quitting.

I groaned, turning around in bed, seeing the sky turn a dark purple instead of black outside my window. The sun will be up soon. I buried my face into my pillow, hoping that Zach was wrong about Jim.

I would be beyond embarrassed if Jim told the other older guys about my homecoming experience. I would be humiliated. I just hope he's a better man than that- a better person than that. Hopefully he had his fun last night, pretending to be mad and making me show up there- even after he knew what happened. Hopefully that was enough for his ego.

That was so unlike me, too. I've never just slept around with some random person. I knew Liam for a month before I did anything with him. Granted, a month isn't long enough for my stupid fifteen year old self to be doing the things I did at the time with an older guy. But still, I knew him and trusted him at the time. I've only ever been with him.

Until last night. I pushed my eyebrows together. Does it count? Deep down I know it does, but a part of me wants to not count it because I didn't do anything to her. Sex kinda goes two ways, and she used her mouth and finger, so nothing touched. Thank god for that, I would have drawn the line.

There are a few pros from last night. The biggest one; I have never been more confident in my sexuality. Girls definitely aren't for me. Most of the time I was imagining it was a dude.

I'm going straight to hell. No detours.

I know I shouldn't care, and I shouldn't be worried of what he thinks of me, but I am. I'm so worried that Jim thinks of me as this slut who just left a girl naked passed out at the end of a tattoo chair. I'm definitely not a promiscuous person who will let anyone into my pants.

I don't want to see him or any of them for a very long time. I need to recuperate, and find out how I'm going to handle Jim knowing. Do I play it cool? Will he mention it? Should I mention it? I cringed, no I'm definitely not going to bring that up. He better not either, because I won't know what to say. And when I don't know what to say, I choke up, trying to think of a response. And my ego would rather hang itself than look weak.

I beat myself up last night for letting them see me blush, for god's sake. I can't believe I actually blushed in the first place, I haven't done that in years. I couldn't help it though, the way Jim did that- it was so casual yet intimidating. I usually never feel intimidated, but my mind was racing all the things he could do with the information. He could use this as blackmail against me.

He obviously knows that I was trying to hide it, and I'm embarrassed about it, it's the perfect ammunition for him. I sighed, looking up at my ceiling. I just hope that he's a better person than I'm making him out to me in my mind right now. I've been up all night thinking about all the negative things that he could say about me, or inflict on me. Then again, there are no positive things about him knowing what I did... not a single one.