ok real talk
i hate getting old
like jesus christ
like i'm noticing more than ever rn that my passions for certain things aren't just quite there anymore and that's more to do with writing then anything.
like i know i've got these books that i'm writing, but they're fanfics and just... well, i've got this mentality now that's like 'okay theyre kinda gone now so there really isn't any point in writing'
that's especially the case for my mutation considering that tmnt has been dead for a while now, yes i know i'm rewriting it but that's mainly because i wanted there to be a more mature version of the story that's thought out ahead and you know, wasn't just created in the spur of the moment.
with the pottertalia i had all these scenarios thought out and i was always writing more pottertalia drabbles then normal drabbles at the time because i was just so invested into that universe and i know i said i'll go back to it this month and i have started working on the newest chapter for it... but i'm now like, what's going to be the point? no one is going to read it, especially since it's more like an inside 'joke' with all my friends and anyone who stumbles upon it and reads it is going to feel some kind of distance. at the time pottertalia was literally written for my friends so that i can share with them the thoughts i have of the universe and like ideas of what i think would happen and stuff, and i developed this intricate plan that i've only shared with one person. but now like we've all kinda grown away from it and writing anything to do it now would just be to fulfill the plan i had for it but to me that's just not enough motivation/reason to do it. i write for other people, i like doing that especially if they get invested into the story ive made so that i can talk to them about it and everything; so that i can get excited with them and ect.
now ive had thoughts of doing a fantasy story, i always have actually but ive never had the motivation to plan it and create more of the universe and the characters and everything. and i guess right now it's mainly because i feel like i have no one that i'm writing for and therefore i don't see the point another reason is my lack of motivation (which i believe is connected to my depression and other mental illnesses for obvious reasons), like the other day i did actually try and create character sheets for the few characters ive had in mind but then i just stopped because i stopped feeling motivated to do it and again i thought, 'well what's the point?'
it just sucks because i really want to get out of this funk and write and create and everything but it just feels impossible rn
like i used to have sm passion and now it's just kinda evaporated but at the same time i can't deny that writing is apart of me and so i just can't get rid of it at all.
rn it's like i've got an extra limb or finger or whatever and it doesn't do anything and just acts as a huge inconvenience but at the same time i'm literally unable to remove it from my being... i hope that makes some form of sense x3
but yeah, that's been my life
