Somebody To You (Phanfiction)

You disgust me

Dan’s POV

So now my hand was under his shirt and I enjoyed it, maybe a little too much. I wasn’t so sure what to do now. I wasn’t even sure why he did that! My hand now rested on his stomach, too afraid to make a move. He took his hand to mine again and made me move it around. Damn, I enjoyed it so much, but Phil shouldn’t know. “Phil, there is nothing”, I finally announced. “I was sure there was”, he said convincingly. I turned a little bit red, but I hoped he didn’t see it. “Phil, what was that even about?” He blushed and didn’t say anything. “Philip!” He didn’t react. Every time he didn’t answer me, he made me angrier about it. “PHILIP!”, I said again. Still no reply. I stood up and walked out the door. “You fag!”, I screamed in despair. I’m not even sure why I said that, but I think I was just so angry at him. I enjoyed it, doesn’t that make me a ‘fag’, too? Oh shit, I think I’ve made the biggest mistake in my life; I called my best friend a faggot. What have I done? I ran into my room crying. I closed the door behind me and fell into my bed. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch myself for how stupid I was. I didn’t want anything more than Phil right now. Phil. His name hurt in my head. He had no reason to call me his friend anymore. I called him a faggot. I called my best friend a faggot. The tears streamed down my face. I didn’t deserve him. I deserved to feel this pain. I was an awful human being. I was disgusted by myself, so much. I’m the worst friend he could ever have. I deserved to hate me like this. I deserved this pain I’m going through. No, I don’t deserve it; I wasn’t the one who was called faggot by my best friend. Why was I even crying? Why should I feel pain? He’s the one who should feel pain, even though I hope he doesn’t. He doesn’t deserve to feel this pain. I acted like it was me who was being hurt, when actually it was Phil. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I screamed, I screamed so loud that probably whole America could hear it. “YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! YOU’RE DISGUSTING!” I started crying even harder than before. I just couldn’t stop and I knew Phil wouldn’t be coming to look after me this time. I didn’t even expect him to, I must have hurt him very much. I don’t even deserve to be here crying right now. Nobody hurt me, I hurt someone, I hurt my best friend. What was I crying over? Maybe I thought I could lose him, no I was sure I’ll lose him. But it was my fault, so why was I crying? I stopped crying immediately. I didn’t deserve to cry. So I just sat with an empty expression on my face while I stared at my wall. I was sure Phil wouldn’t speak to me in a while, which was pretty understandable after I called him a faggot. I went out of my room to go to the kitchen and got myself some food to eat for the next 7 days because I wasn’t planning to come out of my room for the next week, just in case. I couldn’t resist so I walked to the living room. Phil was still watching TV and it didn’t even look like he was crying. I wanted to cry again because it seemed like it didn’t affect him at all, but then again I reminded myself that it was my fault. Would I cry over my so called ‘best friend’ when he called me a fag? Would I? I’m not sure. I stood there for a little while, thinking if I should apologize to him. I decided against that. I didn’t want to make it worse. I was about to go back to my room when my guilt feelings got me and I turned around. I stood in the door frame that leads to the living room. “I’m sorry”, I said with a broke voice. I didn’t get an answer, which I expected because I hated myself as well. I was about to turn around when he suddenly started speaking. “Do you think saying ‘I’m sorry’ makes anything better now? Do you think you could just come to me, say you’re sorry and everything’s fine again?” A tear ran down my face. “No, I just…” “Just what, Dan? What? What do you want from me?” He seemed a bit angry which I also understood because I was angry at myself, too. “I just… I didn’t mean to say that, I was… I was angry at you and then I just… I know it was wrong, I know I shouldn’t have said that to you, Phil. I’m really honestly sorry.” He didn’t turn his head into my direction. “Go away Dan, you disgust me”, he said. I wanted to start crying, but again I reminded myself that it was my fault. All I said was “That makes two of us” and left. I was such an idiot, wasn’t I? I wanted to cry, but I always reminded myself that it was me who hurt Phil and I had no reason to cry. I went into my bedroom and decided to sleep. That was probably the best decision I’ve made today. I snuggled me into my bed when I realized Phil’s pillow was still in my bed. I thought about bringing it into his room but soon after I decided against it. I decided to keep it here for at least one night, for at least cuddling with it. I needed Phil right now, but I knew he wouldn’t come and comfort me. That’s why I took his pillow and cuddled me in it. It had his scent. It calmed me a bit and I fell asleep.

Phil’s POV

He left the room and called me fag. I knew I was, but did he have to remind me? For one moment I thought he would enjoy it as much as I did, but I guess I was wrong. What am I supposed to say now? I’ll always be ‘the fag’ for Dan. Maybe he’ll move out now. I don’t want him to. I couldn’t handle that. Why did I have to do that? I went too far, didn’t I? Damn Phil you idiot! He loves Tracey, remember? And now he left me. What am I supposed to do now without him? I really didn’t care anymore about myself. I stared at the TV and at the same time I didn’t, I stared into the empty. I wanted to cry, but the expression on my face stayed empty. I was too hurt to cry. Is that good or bad? I can’t tell. I felt like nothing, I felt nothing but pain in my chest. I have remained like this for the next 20 minutes.  Just me and the emptiness I was. Suddenly I heard a loud scream. It was Dan. “YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT! YOU’RE DISGUSTING!”, I heard him saying. I’m not sure if it was meant for him or for me, but I’m pretty sure it was meant for me. Couple of minutes has passed when I heard a voice from behind me. It was Dan again. “I’m sorry”, I heard him saying, so quiet but so broken. Wait, shouldn’t I be the one who’s hurt? A long time I didn’t know what to say, but then the words came out of my mouth “Do you think saying ‘I’m sorry’ makes anything better now? Do you think you could just come to me, say you’re sorry and everything’s fine again?” “No, I just…” I broke him off. “Just what, Dan? What? What do you want from me?”, I said, harsher than it was supposed to be. “I just… I didn’t mean to say that, I was… I was angry at you and then I just… I know it was wrong, I know I shouldn’t have said that to you, Phil. I’m really honestly sorry.” I didn’t turn around. I didn’t want to see his sad face right now. I didn’t want to see him at all right now. “Go away Dan, you disgust me”, I said so he would leave. I didn’t know why I said that. I regretted it soon after, but I think the worst part was when I heard him whisper “That makes two of us.” I don’t know why, but that’s when I started sobbing. I didn’t care about me anymore, but I still cared about Dan. And when he said he disgusts himself, it broke my heart. He shouldn’t be disgusted by himself. I should be. I flirted with my best friend, who’s in love with a girl. What did it make us? Were we still friends or just strangers with memories? After a while I decided to not think about it anymore. I didn’t want to think about it, because at every thought of it, it started to hurt a lot more. I just decided to go to my bedroom and rest for a while. But when I arrived at my room, I noticed my pillow is still in Dan’s room. I wasn’t sure what to do. I decided to snuggle into Dan’s room and try to get my pillow. It was easier said than done. He was sleeping on it. I could tell he cuddled in that. That brought one thought into my head; maybe he doesn’t hate me. If he would hate me, he had destroyed it, wouldn’t he? Maybe I should be the one to hate him. Actually yes, that should be me. But I didn’t hate him. Instead I thought he would hate me, but for what actually? With that thought every repressed emotion jumped out of me. I was angry, so angry. I was disappointed and most of all, I was sad. I wanted to let him know I was here so I went outside his bedroom, smashing the door against its frame. He should be awake now. And all the anger that was inside of me managed to say “YOU’RE DISGUSTING DAN, YOU DISGUST ME SO MUCH!” Of course I regretted them soon after. I still hoped he didn’t hear those words, but let’s be honest; how realistic is that? Of course he heard it. But I couldn’t turn around now, not after I just said that. I told Dan apologizing wasn’t enough to make it good again, so why should he say anything else? I fucked it up this time, I really did. But he called me, his best friend, faggot. Isn’t that a reason to be mad at him? Yes, but not to insult him. I was angry again, but more at myself than at Dan. How could I be so stupid? I wished I could take all of this back, but I couldn’t. I started crying. More about the things I called Dan than the things he called me. I decided to try to not think about it anymore since it’s 1 in the morning already. I usually don’t go to bed that late, so I forced myself to fall asleep, which took a couple of minutes, but it finally happened.