Random thoughts

Numbness

Warning: Dark

Have you ever felt the numbness? When everything goes wrong in life and waking up every day is a struggle. When you can't go a single day without something piercing into your heart and letting your emotions leak out, leaving you so drained. When you try so hard to keep everything in, when you try to bottle it all up under that façade of yours. But our bottles have limits. One day they'll be filled to the brim and overflow, and even when we try to cap the bottle the pressure overflows into cracks.

And then the numbness comes. When our bottles are almost filled, when we're so close to breaking down, there comes a day when we start to feel the numbness. When the words and actions that usually cut into our hearts in the form of shattered happiness and hope, don't affect us anymore. When we can go through the whole day with a smile on our faces- a genuine smile. When we don't feel anything, no pain, no hurt, no loneliness. We feel nothing but the numbness. And it's the closest to being happy we've ever been.

But after a day or two, the numbness fades and you're snapped back into reality, where all hell breaks loose in your mind. All the words you received when you were numb but couldn't feel anything about them? You feel them now. You feel all of them crashing into you, the hurt amplified as you struggle to deal with all of them at once. You start to feel the cracks in your bottle, as if you'd just woken up from an operation gone wrong, and the numbness was there to numb you while doctors tried to operate on you, only to leave cuts everywhere. Your emotions are messed up, and you start to go into another stage, one where you feel nothing but the hurt. Nothing else.

That's when you start to crave the numbness. The sweet, sweet numbness that helped you get through the day without feeling anything. The numbness that resulted in an amplification of the hurt, but somehow you can't seem to despise it. After all, it's the only time you get to feel anything else besides pain. As your bottle finally overflows with all the emotion you'd tried so hard to keep in, you plead for the numbness to return. You plead to feel nothing, no pain, nothing.

Just like that, it becomes a vicious cycle. Living through life waiting for the numbness to return, relishing in it when it does, breaking down and craving it when it leaves. It's a sick form of addiction, a sick game of emotion, but it's all you know. The cycle has become such a regular occurrence in your life that you don't feel anything about it anymore. You feel numb, but not numb enough, not as numb as the numbness can make you. And you hate yourself for it.

My life revolves around this numbness.