Random thoughts

Dropped.

You have a friend. You've known her since the first day of primary(elementary) school. You've been the best of friends from the day she sat next to you in class. You exchanged name tags, laughing excitedly as you memorise each other's names and spellings in a span of a few minutes. You've been through so much together. The first day the two of you has no idea there was even a limit to recess. You sat on the swings together, playing until the teacher had to come down to get you. You were lectured, but we're still able to smile playfully at each other.

That was in grade 1. Along the way, you've added more friends to your small circle. As the circle got bigger, it started to crack. Every quarrel your fiends were involved in, every time you find yourself stuck in the middle of your close friends, a crack appears in your circle, almost similar to the cracks forming in your heart. Friends were all you'd known to rely on. With the inferiority complex and lack of communication at home, friends meant the world to you. But apparently your friendship didn't mean as much to them as it did you. Time and time again your circle was broken as your friends "defriended" each other. Time and time again you've tried to mend the broken pieces, trying to patch up the friendship, not wanting to have to live with only one piece of the circle. You wanted all your friends. You needed them. Time and time again the shards fell apart in your hands, cutting into your hands but the blood flowed out of your heart. Then you grew up. You understood that you couldn't please everyone. You chose her. The one you've known since the first day of school. The one you've known for the longest time. The one you trusted most.

Things went pretty smooth for a few years between the two of you. A second-closest friend was kept with you. With a smaller circle, it was easier to mend the cracks.

December 2013. Your two closest friends got into yet another argument. You wonder when it'll stop as you play messenger for the umpteenth time, oblivious to the fact that it would be your last attempt at salvaging the broken friendship. They cut off ties with each other. Once again, you were forced to choose. You went out to the empty kitchen at 1am in the morning and allowed yourself to break down as you once again chose her. You believed that nine years of friendship had to mean something. And it did, for a while.

January 1, 2014. New Year's Day. While everyone was asleep at 12am in the middle of the night, you were once again in the kitchen, clutching your phone to your chest as you let your pain flow out of your being in the form of tears. Every word she said pierced deep into your soul. She blamed you for not treasuring the friendship enough. She blamed you for being a bad friend. She blamed you for not initiating enough conversations. You thought she'd known you enough to understand that you were afraid of bothering her with conversation when she's busy. Apparently she didn't. While it was the start of a new year for everyone else, it was the end of your friendship as she cut off all ties with you. That was the day you decided that enough was enough. That was the day that you finally decided to leave the circle where it belonged- in your memory. You were never going to be able to fix it, so you left it broken. You gave up.

July 15, 2014. You wished her happy birthday, even though you were no longer friends. You didn't care that she's deleted your number. You've been doing this for nine years and you weren't going to stop. She texts you back. She asks to be friends again. You agreed almost immediately. You were desperate, you wanted to believe that this time, this would be different. This time, the friendship would last for a long time. You needed to believe that in all those years you'd meant something to her. Once again, you were wrong.

August 8, 2014. She asks if you want to meet up. Not wanting to make a decision that would offend her, you let her decide, putting her wants before yours. She texts back, and her words were now cold. She blames you for your indecisiveness, for always pushing the decisions to her without considering her feelings. You apologise. She says she doesn't want your apology, and decides that since you didn't care at all she'd rather not meet up at all. Not wanting to worsen the situation, you go with the flow. You agree to not meeting up. She blames you once again for agreeing to everything and not having a stand, saying that she's expected you to reply with a time and venue. After a heated exchange of words, hers of spite and yours of guilt, you promise her that you'll try to get rid of your indecisiveness. You were willing to go against everything you've known for the friendship. You were willing to give up trying to please others, if that meant that the friendship would continue to sail.

August 10, 2014. You ask her about her day. She replies with "Great without indecisive people. Spent my days out with decisive guys." And "My life would be so much easier without indecisive people. Bye." And just like that, she dropped you. She says that she never believed that you were able to drop your habit of indecisiveness and change your flaws. She says that her expectations of you were too high. She tells you not to hesitate to delete her contact number. She says that even if you stay as her friend she will no longer prioritise you. That's when you realise that humans can never draw a perfect circle on their own. The friendship you tried so hard to keep afloat? Turns out you'd been the only person on board, trying to keep a sinking ship sailing. You never meant anything to her.

Remember when people told you that "you can't please everyone"? That's a lie. A big, ugly lie. The truth is, we can't please anyone. We will always have flaws that tick others off. And now you start to wonder. If your friend of nine years, the friend you've had for the longest time, can drop you so easily time and again, what's stopping the others? Who's to say that they won't leave you like she did? Perhaps you were meant to be alone. In the end, you'll never mean anything to anyone. You'll never be perfect. You'll never be able to please anyone. Everybody leaves eventually.

So what's the point in trying?