Random thoughts

Tired.

Do you ever feel tired? No, I don't mean sleepy from lack of sleep. I mean tired. It's funny how tired can mean a lot of things. Somebody says "I'm tired" and we automatically think they're sleepy. We can be tired of a lot of things. Tired of emotion. Tired of hurt.

Tired of life.

When you wake up every morning, you find it so hard to just get out of bed. It's not that you still want sleep, it's not that you're dreading another day of school or work, you just can't leave the bed. And so you pretend to be asleep, for as long as you can. It's ironic, isn't it? Every night you do everything to avoid sleeping, thinking that you don't deserve rest, thinking that you can survive on the self-loathing and insecurity. Every night you give in to the fatigue with a tinge of guilt. Every morning, all you want to do is stay in bed.

It's become so much of a daily routine now, you're just too used to it. Have you ever found yourself with so much more time than you'd expected, like when a class gets cancelled at the last minute? First you're happy. Who wouldn't be, right? And then you start to think about what you can do with the extra time. You've already scheduled your whole day in your head, and the extra time only messes the whole thing up. You get confused.

When you're used to something, when it's the only thing you've ever known, it's hard to let it go no matter how bad it is. It's hard to let it go without knowing what lies ahead. It's so much easier to just live with it. It's familiar to you, why would you leave it for something so alien to you? When you're depressed, when pain and sorrow are all you've ever known, it's hard to even wish you weren't depressed. It's hard to try to get out of it when the very thought of happiness scares you. It's alien. You don't know what happiness really feels like. Maybe it would hurt you more, who knows?

And then when there's this small fragment of time where you're actually happy, when you can smile without the façade and think "maybe this is it", it all goes downhill, as if the happiness was but a beautiful lie waiting to be shattered by the harshness of the world, and then you go through life as if you'd never felt it. As if happiness didn't exist. You start to link the feeling of happiness with the feeling of the pain that follows. You start to dread happiness.

As much as tired and sleepy are different in so many ways, they are similar in one thing. Just like how we fight our sleepiness every night before we sleep, searching for something more useful to do with your time before you give in, we fight the tiredness. We hang on to the hope that it gets better, that it's darkest before the dawn. Even when everything seems hopeless, we create hope. After all, it's only human nature to wish for something more something better. And then one day reality comes crashing down on us hard. Then we snap. Then we give in. Just like how we give in to our sleepiness, we give in to the tiredness. Like how we feel better after a good night's sleep, we hope that we'll feel better after we give in to the tiredness. We don't even care that we'll be dead if we give in. Nothing matters anymore.

I'm tired.