Every Waking Moment

7

It was no surprise that when you told me you still had feelings for me that I leapt at the opportunity to be with you again, to be held safe in your arms and to feed the flames I still had within me. But I knew I had to tell you what I did with the other. I knew that if I didn't, it would hang over me until you found out and then it would ruin us, like my secrets had already done once before. 

    When I told you, you were silent for a second, as if your brain couldn't find the words to express how deeply I had hurt you, how I had betrayed you and your trust. All that was going through my head was "Why was I so stupid?" And then the intrusive thoughts of how I shouldn't have told you and how I should've kept the secret. But I knew what I did was right. We can't try and build a new relationship if I'm not completely honest with you. You didn't speak much for the rest of that car ride, I dropped you off at home, still in silence and then drove home, again, in silence. My thoughts wandered as I drove, travelling through different possibilities of what could happen next, but it never ventured to the future I was about to enter.

    As I started the shower when I arrived home, feeling the hot water trickle down my skin, I heard your ringtone. I knew I was about to find out what you truly were thinking and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. Now, I know I wasn't. A new waterfall began to trickle down the skin of my face as I read "I don't think we should talk anymore." Deep within me I knew this would happen but accepting it was a task I was not prepared for. My heart continued to sink as I tried to think of what to say. It felt as though there was a voice within every cell of my body telling me to respond with some denial of your statement, to tell you that I wasn't okay with that and that I still love you, but instead, disobeying every instinct I had, my fingers typed out something different. A passive acceptance. An admit of defeat. A chance to run.