Don't Let Me Go

Chapter One

NATASHA'S POV

I reach across my bed only to feel the once filled spot cold and empty. I'm not surprised at this point but I wish Bucky would stay longer than until I'm asleep while we're cuddling late at night. I love being able to steal moments with him but he's so scared of himself that he can't relax and fully enjoy the moment. I have never and will never hold that against him because I have a sliver of an idea of what he's been through. My mind wasn't wiped repeatedly like his but I was also treated and used like a dangerous weapon for years until I was saved by the man who had been sent to kill me; Clint Barton. Steve Rogers saved Bucky with the help of the King of Wakanda. The King managed to convince the UN that Bucky is no longer a threat and that he will fight for us rather than against us, it took forever for them to agree but they did. I often go on covert missions with Bucky as well as team missions with Steve, Tony, Sam and Wanda.
I sit up in bed, light filters through the edges of the curtains making the room slightly brighter. Something on the bedside table catches my eye. A single rose with a folded note that has my name on it in Bucky's scribble. I bring the flower to my nose and breathe in it's scent with a smile before holding it to my chest and reading the note.
'Natalia,
I'm sorry I am never there when you wake. I feel so awful for it but I am still burdened by night terrors and me being the stubborn person I am, refuse to burden you with it. There's nothing I want more than to be with you, I promise you that. And I promise that when these dreams are under control, I will be with you in every way possible.
With love,
James'
I can't help but smile at the note because I am way more than willing to wait for him to be ready but I'm also sad because I would love to help him through this. I want to see every part of him, warts, scars and all.
I slip out of my warm bed, slipping on jeans and a jersey before making my way into the rest of my apartment to make a coffee. My cheeks heat up when I see a sticky note stuck to the microwave with the word 'breakfast' scrawled upon it. I push the open button to see a plate of chocolate chip pancakes, the dork's favourite food since he's been back. I pour myself a mug of hot coffee with some milk and sit at my small table to dig into the fluffy pancakes but I don't even get to finish them before I get a text with 'assemble'. I put the pancakes back in the microwave, finish my coffee, change quickly then grab my car keys and sprint out the door.
Before I know it, Steve, James, Wanda, Sam, Clint and I are on the Quinn Jet heading to Ahal Province in Turkmenistan because a violent group is holding a small village hostage. What for, no one has a clue but we're to take them out with as little casualties as possible.
"Thanks for the pancakes," I mumble to James, standing next to him behind the pilot seat that Sam is in. We haven't told anyone about our relationship just yet, we both agreed to wait and see where this goes before announcing it to the team. "And the rose. Take all the time you need."
James smiles sweetly down at me with a look in his eyes that I only see when he looks at me, adoration or something of the like. It makes me want to climb him and kiss him until I can't breathe. It makes my heart want to stop and butterflies form in my stomach, both feelings I'm not at all used to. I so badly want one of his arms around me, to be snuggled up in bed playing footsie, I also want to flip him on his ass and see if he gives me a good fight in the training room. I bury the feelings deep down and put my mind on this mission because saving this village is more important than my relationship with the man next to me as of right now.
"We'll drop in the dark, stay out of the light and keep comms to a minimum," Steve gives us the usual rant before a high risk stealth mission. All six of us checking ammo, weapons and gear, adjusting whatever armour we're wearing. "Don't forget to watch your targets. There are civilians in the area."
There are a few mumbles and nods from everyone while we're all ready to get in, stop the hostiles, send the village help (thank you, Stark) and get out as quick as we can. As soon as the jet touches down, we spread out around the village at a wide distance before moving in, quietly knocking guards out. It's easy to tell who the hostiles are, they're wearing shoulder patches with a similar symbol to that of Hydra. This is the third time we've seen this symbol in the past two months, which is definitely not good. I hope for everyone's sake that Hydra isn't starting up again, not after everything they've done. Not after what they did to James.
After taking down my sector of hostiles and making sure that any civilians I find are alive and well, I tap a band on my wrist twice to signal to everyone that I'm done. Soon I hear fighting outside the large hut where most are hiding, and so I step out to see James and Sam struggling with a lot more than what we were told swarming them. I run out, my bo staff ready in my hands. I sweep it in a wide ark, hitting one guy hard in the neck then bringing it down under the ribs of another. I take down another three before they realise it isn't just James and Sam, some charge at me while the rest continue attacking the boys. I roar in rage when James disappears from sight.
I've never felt such rage in my life, to most, it'd be their down fall but it feels like when I blink, all those trying to kill us are sprawled around the dirt. I turn my staff into batons then rush to James as he sits up with one hand over his ribs and blood running down his forehead. I can't help but hug him tight, my heart thumping hard in my chest. I need to get a hold of this for missions but this is the first time in a very long time since I've seen him go down.
"It's okay, Natalia, I'm okay. You beat the shit out of them for me." James rubs up and down my back with his cybernetic arm until I pull away, scolding myself for my reaction. James reaches up and lightly touches my cheek, frowning when I wince because it stings quite a bit. I hadn't noticed my injuries before now. "That'll need stitches."
Stark support doesn't take long to arrive, relieving us of our protective duty. No one in the team mentions what happened between James and I, not even the sarcastic little bird boy, Sam Wilson. I'm not the one to let my personal feelings get in the way of my duty but after James giving me a rose and leaving me breakfast, seeing him go down was the last thing I ever wanted to see.
"I don't know what we are but seeing you go down terrified me," I tell James when we find a quiet spot on the jet where no one is listening, James patches up my cheek after refusing to let me look at his forehead. "After this morning with the rose, the note and the pancakes and everything else since this thing between us, my worst nightmare is losing you. I almost thought it had happened. Though I know full well that it'll take more than that to kill you."
"The nightmare I've been having is the same one every night," James whispers, packing away the med kit and sitting next to me, his two large hands consuming one of my own. "It's of me killing you in different ways. Sometimes it's of the night I had shot my target through you but mostly it's me killing you, as if..." His voice breaks the tiniest bit and there's a single tear threatening to fall.
"As if Hydra is still rattling around in that dusty old head of yours." I see the smallest smile crack on his lips from my comment about his head but he also nods. I place my free hand over his and rub his knuckles, not giving a damn that it's his cybernetic hand. I like to believe that he can feel something, I'm sure he does because the Wakandan tech that Shuri builds is wickedly advanced. "I know you're scared of staying overnight with me but please, if you want, stay. Get some sleep and I'll be right by you if you need me. I always will be. I hope you know that."