Don't Let Me Go

Chapter Eight

BUCKY'S POV

It has been six months since Nikolai and Vladimir tortured me and made me their killing machine. I watched and pounded at the glass as I killed without control over my body, I killed with no mercy. Right now, I'm in Washington DC in a factory to kill a man who crossed Nikolai, along with anyone who tries stopping me. Right before I can kick down the last door, I hear footsteps behind me, I turn to see Nat, Steve and a few other team members running towards me, their weapons ready. I look into Nat's green eyes, I pound at my skull and suddenly my arms are thrown up in surrender like I had wanted. I will myself to my knees and my body complies. I sob as I realise I broke the control Nikolai had over me and I didn't need someone to slam my head into a brick wall to do so.
"No, no, no." I sob, my hands are covered in blood from those around me. I don't even flinch when I hear a fun being cocked. I want to die right now. I can hear the screams of every person I've killed in the last six months add to the ones over the past fifty-four years. "I killed them because Nikolai demanded it. I couldn't stop my body."
"How do we know it's you?" Wilson asks, he's always the one to ask that question.
"Nat, I took you to an Italian restaurant for our first real date," I look up into her green eyes which so desperately want to believe me. Nikolai was an idiot for not wiping my mind. "We had spaghetti bolognese and I asked you to be my girlfriend, then we drove out to a field and toasted marshmallows over a fire and slept on the back of the truck. I had another nightmare before we were called back to the compound."
I watch everyone holster their weapons, and Nat runs and throws her arms around me. I don't hug back because of the gun but I do bury my face in her neck, breathing in the warm scent of vanilla and honey body wash.
"Take me to Wakanda, to Shuri." I say when Nat and I finally break apart. I look up at Steve who I can tell wants to hug me so bad, so I get up off the bloody ground and let him do so. "No one is safe until Shuri fixes me."
Tony makes a few calls for clean up and tells them about Nikolai after I painfully recite the last six months of once again not being in control. I'm once again able to walk free but I don't think I should, I should be killed but I don't say that, not near Natasha. On the jet, I sit in a corner away from everyone. Nat sits with me, cleaning blood off my still shaking hands. I can't look up at her face, not right now. Nat finishes cleaning the blood off of me and wraps a woollen blanket around my body and watches as I tuck myself further into the corner with my arms and the blanket wrapped tightly around me. She tries resting a hand on my cheek but I flinch harshly and pull away. I know she won't hurt me but it doesn't stop the memories of people beating me to hell and back.
In Wakanda, King T'Challa greets us with hugs and hand shakes but I opt out of both respectfully, then he takes us straight to his sister's lab and as soon as Shuri sees me, she grins widely and tries to hug me but is saddened and slightly angry when I take a few steps back with my arms pulled around me.
"Who do I need to kill? What boy rebroke Barnes?" Shuri glares menacingly at Clint, Tony, Steve, Sam, Thor and Scott but smiles warmly at Bruce and Natasha. I'm pretty sure she even glares at her own brother which is a little funny. When Natasha tells her about Nikolai, I see a fire in Shuri's eyes that is a little terrifying. "Seeing as you still have your memories, it should be easier to fix what they broke. I was going to get you to come back right after you were taken because I figured out how to fix everything." Shuri tosses me a white shirt and some track pants for me to change in and when I come back in, she begins explaining what's going to happen. "Barnes, you'll have to stay here in Wakanda for a little while. The others can come and visit anytime you or they like but we just want to be sure we do everything right."
"Can Natasha stay?" I look at Natasha for the first time since I broke free of Nikolai's control. I don't want her to leave. "If that's okay with everyone."
"Ms Romanov is more than welcome to stay in Wakanda, if you choose." T'Challa says as I jump up on the sand table thing.
"Always." Natasha says, placing one of her hands over my right hand and resting the other on my cheek. I lean into her warm touch, my eyes closed and my breathing deep as memories claw at my skull. I feel Natasha's warm lips press against my forehead and the memories ease off their mission to make me shoot myself. "Last time I let you out of my sight, you were taken from me. It's not going to happen again."
"We'll be back before you know it, pal. You're not going to lose me again." I tell Steve, trying to reassure the guy as the team is preparing to leave, so Shuri can get started on fixing me. "You won't lose me again."
"I better not." Steve and I embrace for a long while, as if it's the last time we will but I'm determined to make sure we will see each other again when I'm more stable.