Don't Let Me Go

Chapter Two

BUCKY'S POV

"Don't hurt me, please! It's me James, it's Natalia!" The woman on the other side of my gun cries out as if she knows me but I don't know her. She's my mission and I never fail my mission. "James, you know me! You trained me in the red room!"
"You're my mission." I growl, no longer hesitating to pull the trigger, watching the bullet hit her chest and blood spills out of the fatal wound. I watch as the light and life fade from her eyes and I realise, I do know this woman. I just killed the only person I've ever loved. I fall to the ground next to her, hugging her lifeless body to my chest as close as I can, repeatedly kissing her forehead as I drown in tears. "Please come back, I'm sorry Tasha. I'm sorry. Please come back."

"It's okay Bucky, I'm right here." Natasha's voice is gentle as I bolt up in bed, my chest heaving to catch my breath. I look over to see Nat alive and well in her bed next to me. I don't say anything as she brushes hair from my face and wipes a tear from my cheek. It's the first time I've actually slept at her apartment rather than sex, cuddling and movie marathons. It frustrates me that I had a nightmare but Nat doesn't seem bothered with her hand going up and down my arm very softly. "I told you that I'd be right by your side. Always."
I lightly kiss her on the lips as my way of thanks, I guess. The nightmare loops in my head, refusing to leave my mind and it's hard not to dwell on it, it's making my heart ache so horribly, I feel like it's being torn to shreds. Part of me thinks that it's not a dream, that I'm still with Hydra and that I really did kill her and that this right now with Nat is just a dream but the other part knows it's bogus.
"Is this, right now, real?" I look straight into Nat's warm, emerald green eyes, trying to piece things together.
"Does this feel real to you?" She asks, taking my right and and placing my palm on her chest, right over her heart. I close my eyes and feel her heart thumping softly in her chest, this is real. Me killing her was just a horrible and terrifying dream.
I smile a tad when she lies back, pulling me down with her and moving me so my head is resting on her stomach. Her hands make their way into my hair, very gently messing around with it. It feels nice and somewhat relaxing but I feel like I should be doing it to her, not the other way around. I don't want her to stop, however. I reach my arm over her body so I'm hugging her but I stop to run my fingers over a certain scar on her side, the one I gave her when I shot my target through her with a Soviet rifling slug. I push that memory to the back of my mind but continue running my fingers over the scar while forcing myself to relax and enjoy this moment.
The next time I wake, it's as Nat is climbing back into bed next to me. I sit up with my back against the wall and remove the sleep from my eyes with my knuckles, as I do, I smell something delicious and when I look to see what it is, and I can't help but smile because Nat has a plate stacked with pancakes.
"I seriously can't tell whether that smile is for me or the pancakes." Nat chuckles light-heartedly, placing her soft lips on my cheeks for a couple second before putting the plate on my lap and cuddling into my side.
By the time we finish the pancakes (which tasted bloody delicious!), we have to head to the compound for a debrief and training exercises. So Nat showers first, then I do and after we both change, we head to the compound together, not caring at this moment what the team might think. We've been together for months but we still need to discuss what this is and I'm thinking maybe tonight, we do. I know the perfect little Italian restaurant to go to and talk. I realised on the mission yesterday that she's in this for the long haul and this morning only made it even clear that I can do this, I can commit to there being an 'us'.
During the official debriefing about yesterday, Nat and I sit very close to each other which earns us little smirks and other looks because we're no longer hiding how we feel about each other but I just know, by the time training finishes today, I am going to get an earful from Steve about not telling him about Nat and I for months.
There were no civilian casualties last night and those of the hostiles who survived were arrested and are being interrogated about the organisation they work for because their symbol looks a hell of a like Hydra's. A shiver of terror runs up my spine when I think that Hydra has started up again, I'm scared that no matter what Shuri does to fix my head and how much Nat helps me, Hydra could get me again or they'll take someone I love, someone I care for to get back at me.
"So, you and Nat, huh?" I still see Steve as that little punk who never ran from fights back in Brooklyn in front of me but that doesn't stop me from going toe to toe with him during our sparring. I just give him a filthy look for bringing it up right this moment but I knew he would eventually. "How long?"
"It's complicated." I say somewhat truthfully but just Steve rolls his eyes and tries slamming his fist into my still sore ribs but I manage to deflect it and get in my own punch at the same time. "Fine, a couple months. It just, sorta, happened and we're still figuring it, us, out."
"I wish you told me, Buck." Steve says behind another couple punches my way, one catching me in the stomach, so I go low and kick his legs out from under him, making him sprawled across the mat and I pin him down before he can get up.
"This isn't the time." I haul him up to his feet once he taps out. I wipe sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand and sigh. "Last night was the first time I ever actually slept at her place, I usually leave before morning but she wanted me to stay even though I was scared. I still am, pal."