The Rebel Assassin

Chapter 45: Smoldering

Jaden's room had probably felt empty before, without any belongings to fill it, but Nemia could see a change in him as the three of them found seats, filling it with their voices as much as with their bodies. Morie began to tell him, haphazardly, in no particular order, everything she had done since she lost him, and Wes's input intertwined with her enthusiastic tale to create a pleasant cacophony. Jaden still carried the traces of Iso's abuse and his months as a prisoner, but she saw a warm, kind man beneath that, listening intently to everything they had to say.

She couldn't stand it. The way he patted Morie's hands when she told him about figuring out his riddles and about brokering alliances, the way he kissed her forehead when her voice broke, telling him how she'd killed Xalva in the Assassin's Court.

It hurt like hell, and the heat built up inside her in flames, licking higher and higher, burning her throat and eyes. She was smoldering, quietly turning to ashes right in the middle of their reunion, and it wasn't fair. Her breath came rough and her sight blurred suddenly. Horrified, she pushed out the door and threw herself into the cold.

That helped, a little. The chill soothed the stinging heat and wetness behind her eyes, and there was no one out here to watch her draw deep, quick breaths, trying to force down the tears. She was alone in the almost-complete darkness; miserable, but safe.

So this was Jaden. This was the teacher she would have had, if Tobias hadn't sacrificed the truth about her and Morane for his schemes. This was the teacher Morie had had all these years.

A sob halfway to a scream heaved out of her before she stifled it. Shh. She couldn't do that. She didn't have a nice, private room here to hide in while she had a breakdown.

She tried to conjure a calming voice in her head, to tell her what to do, but only Xalva's slick accent came to her.

So you do have a temper, small one. Good.

She flinched back against the wall. The solidity was welcome even as cold bricks bit into her back. Forcing her shoulders to relax, she crossed her arms for warmth and tilted her head back, even though the air was painfully cold on her exposed neck. Stars eddied and whirled above her — a snow flurry against the dark night. She kept her eyes open against the cold, as if to force the unshed tears back down.

If she could freeze this jealousy in her, keep it locked in solid ice in her chest, she might survive this.

The door creaked open. Jaden stepped out, a blur of white bandages against his dark clothes and black hair. He closed the door gently behind him, with that slow purposefulness she already knew was intrinsic to him.

It wasn't jealousy that welled up hot and thick in her throat. But she didn't want to name this sadness. She wanted to hack a hole in her heart and let it out.

There was a cloak draped over his good arm, and he held it out to her. She took it automatically, because Morie would bring hell down if Nemia let them think she was waiting out here to freeze.

She pulled it on with clumsy, frozen fingers, the dark red wool nearly black in the darkness. She was buying time fastening it, not expecting him to speak first, but he did.

"I owe you more than an apology," he said, voice low. She could almost imagine it was taut with the effort to keep it from cracking. "I owe you ten years that I can't begin to pay."

Whirling snowflakes stung her eyes. "No."

Who do you think you are? Xalva snickered in her mind. She wasn't sure if he was asking her or Jaden.

Jaden acknowledged her no with a tilt of his head, took it in, gently rejected it. "I knew the kind of person Tobias would find to train you. Eventually I found out who exactly it was, and I knew more about him than I cared too. Yet I still gave him too much credit. I let it alone, thought it was none of my business. In doing so I gave him the freedom to hurt you. I am responsible for that. Even if the most I can do now is tell you so, I need you to know how strong you were, how brave in shouldering Tobias's lies and my mistakes."