The Rebel Assassin

Chapter 55: Dealing

Wow guys aren't you happy I've been updating totally on schedule and haven't missed any? It's sure great that you guys have been getting regular updates and I haven't been marinating in stress and anxiety over not updating for months! Fantastic that everything is just fine and normal and on time and we are all happy about it. Just great that that's how it is.

So now that we've established that everything is awesome and I didn't metaphorically skip town in shame for ages, here's a chapter.

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Morane gave him a significant look when he stood to follow Roman outside, but Joshua ignored her.

He'd never thought he'd see the day he took Morane Laerhart's advice, let alone about relationships. But she had a point about him needing to talk to Roman.

A tight pit of dread gathered in his stomach as he stepped outside.

Neal was readying Roman's horse; Roman himself checking the contents of a saddlebag. "Coming with?" He asked without looking up.

Joshua hesitated. Was the question even for him?

Roman looked up, settled an impatient look on him. "Are you with the Phoenix or with me today?"

Not with the Assassins, with him. The phrasing almost made Joshua forget why he'd come out. "I'd planned on helping Morane today, but I need to talk to you first."

Roman frowned, and Joshua wanted to take his own word choice back. He should have said he was helping the Phoenix, not Morane specifically. He'd made it sound like he cared more about he than about Roman.

He should be allowedto care more about Morane today. He could count on Roman to think about his own safety, which Morane most certainly could not be trusted to do. His attention was needed here.

But five years ago he wouldn't have thought twice about who he would go with. He was Roman's right hand man, and Roman's safety was his priority. This was another change. This willingness to trust Roman's safety to others, and value other people almost as much.

Roman jerked his head at Neal, and the other man went back inside, leaving them as much privacy as was possible, with Morane quite possibly eavesdropping.

"I should thank you again," Roman said as Neal disappeared.

"What?"

Roman cocked his head. "For the second part of the present. The sword shattering."

Joshua relaxed a little, managing to smile. It had gotten lost, in the circumstances of Luca's death, but Roman had been in that moment too. The blade that Luca should have been using, after all, was currently sheathed at Roman's hip. Joshua had replaced it before he left the castle with a weak, flawed blade. Roman's present had been not just the sword named Blazebut also the satisfaction of watching the crown's favorite tool shatter. "I'm not sure you ever thanked me for the first part."

"I meant to," Roman said softly. "I think we got off track that night. Talking about why I sent you on that job."

"Not much time for talking since then, either." The attempted assassination of Iso at the castle, Roman sending him on the diplomatic mission to Emorial, then all the planning of their first strikes at the throne. He and Roman had mostly talked strategy, and often been separated when he spent time with Morane and the rebels.

Roman seemed to read his thoughts. "You've been invaluable to everyone. But don't forget you're part of my court, not theirs."

"I never forgot," Joshua said, voice low. "And I've been tested far more than most of your assassins."

Roman lowered his eyes. "I know that too."

"It's never going to go back to the way it was, is it?" He didn't mean to say so out loud, but suddenly the words were there.

"Of course it will." Roman was too quick to answer, as if he'd expected the question Joshua never meant to ask.

Joshua didn't believe him. Those days when they were assassins in training constantly getting on each other nerves, those nights after the coronation when he'd slept in a room adjoining Roman's and sometimes in the same room. Too many years had passed since them.

"I'm not the same as I used to be," Joshua said, trying to be measured, trying not to sound like it killed him.

Roman looked like he was going to argue.

"I cared about Luca, and I hate that I killed him. And there are other people I care about, and I'm going to have my hands full from now on trying to keep them alive. And I've learned things, and I've lied, and I can't pretend I didn't. I can't live as if it never happened. The only times I've managed to keep my head on straight since I pretended to die is when I let myself be the captain and an assassin at the same time. So I need you to know that I'm not the same."

Roman's eyes flashed. "Are you still the boy who surrendered your chance to be the King of Assassins because you'd rather stand behind me?"

Joshua nearly choked. It was an impossible question. That decision had changed the course of his life, yet it seemed so small now, as if he had never made the decision at all. Had there ever really been a choice? Because it felt like there had only ever been Roman's door that night, and that endless moment he stood knocking, waiting for Roman to accept his sacrifice.

He had never been that boy, or he always had been. It didn't make a difference. He hadn't gone to Roman's door that night because of who he was. He'd gone because of who Roman was. Because he loved him.

Roman was asking the wrong question, but maybe Joshua still had an answer. Because he still loved Roman. So maybe he still was that boy.

"Yes. But I'm also the man you keep sending away."

Roman nodded. His voice came out rough. "Okay. I'll stop sending you away, and you keep that one piece of you, no matter who else you are. Deal?"

He couldn't know that he was asking Joshua to keep the part of his that loved Roman, or at least he shouldn't know. But maybe he'd known ever since he answered the knock on his door that night.

Maybe they knew each other well enough to survive this.

Joshua nodded.

A faint smile ghosted across Roman's face. "When the royals have fallen and we have Parodar, remind me to find you the stories of when the Assassin's Court had two thrones." He reached for his horse's reins.

"I'll find them for you," Joshua said. "I read them while we were in training."

The reins slipped through Roman's fingers. He stared at Joshua.

Neal came back out, carrying a bag that clanked of metal. "Are we leaving now?"

Roman ignored him, still looking at Joshua. "You've known since then?"

You knew about the days when Parodar had two kings even back when you offered me the Court's only throne without a fight?

And you still never insisted on a compromise?

Joshua stepped back, into the doorway, eyes never leaving Roman. "I liked those stories. I liked being your second in command better."

That's how much I loved you,he thought.

Roman followed him a few steps, words on the tip of his tongue. It took him a few moments. "I didn't know of them. Not until last year."

Now that I know, I want you by my side.

Joshua took his hand and held it. Just one moment, just the way they held each other's hands the night they shook on their deal.

They had a new deal now, Joshua reminded himself. Five years older and wiser, they would keep it better.