Dystopia {GXG}

Awareness.

I've never loved someone like this, ever. I never trusted someone as much as I trusted him, because he was almost like my reflection, hurt, broken. Just like I was, I never found one bit of him attractive to me, I attempted to let other personalities attract me, and it definitely did. I was always hurt and I was quick to get tired off, maybe  I was never easy. I refused to let people take liberty with me, but maybe it was taken too far, maybe my walls were too high up, almost impossible to knock down, I never wanted any pity, I've never aspired to be an attention seeker and I never will; I disliked unwanted attention and I certainly disliked giving people something to degrade me about.

But I should let you know, I have a DID, basically an identity disorder, however fucked up it might make me I'm still me. Let me introduce you to my three friends that are trapped inside of me, sadness murder and misery. Sadness- A person takes control once my heart is broken. Murder- who makes me inflict pain. Misery- a detached state which makes me Heartless. You might be confused, but Murder made me kill my friend and frame another with no guilt. Misery made me jump through a window, but sadness oh sadness is what drives me to murder.

My misery often tended to leave me feeling cold and empty. Like a barren wasteland void of anything, in my case any emotion, I seldom felt remorse for my actions and if I did feel anything then the feeling would be mild. My heartbreak has been feeding into Sadness. I've been in a very null state. A dark and lonely abyss. This space in my mind has been empty yet so full at the same time. Everything has been messy  but, my life wasn't always this complex. A decade ago my life was happy. I had a true desire to be alive, I had a passion for everything my life had to offer. But then again... I was 6. I had not yet come across the harsh trials that life would have to throw at me. I did not know that things would go wrong. I lived in the perfect little fantasy bubble.

  Everything has been messy  but, my life wasn't always this complex. A decade ago my life was happy. I had a true desire to be alive, I had a passion for everything my life had to offer. I had not yet come across the harsh trials that life would have to throw at me. I did not know that things would go wrong. I lived in the perfect little fantasy bubble. 

My upbringing was originally sheltered. But once I reached a certain age, I began to experience life as my parents saw it. This grey dismal waste of existence. I often wondered. What was the point in life, My Father was the strongest person I knew, he was truly a strong man; an inspiration. But he died and left me with my Mother at 11. mother or mum' is a term which to my dismay I am forced to call him. But there's really nothing that I can do. She was the oppressive figure in my life. The only one. I had hopes and dreams. Which she just shot down and threw to the side. I understand the loss of my Father, her husband , was hard on her But for her to take it out on me is unfair. She rarely gets violent.

I don't understand why she treats me the way she does I truly don't. I don't think I ever will grasp the concept of psychologically abusing your child to make yourself feel better. There's still nothing that I can do though.

I value my best friend more than anything, she held me together,and even knowing I loved to see people in pain she still stuck by my side, like the mother I never had. But in that case, she was more than just my best friend, she was all i needed, Her personality was something I truly adored, something so peaceful and needed to be shielded and protected at all costs similar to maternal love. I never wanted her to leave my side, ever not because I was in love with her but because I knew she was vulnerable, I  knew she never had friends like mine, friends  to protect her from all human and judgmental eye and something not to rip her to shreds and turn her soul into a endless black void like mine. Maybe the only reason i would refuse to is because I knew that I would end up killing her.

But that all changed, when i could feel My lover was losing interest in me starting to seem so dis associative, when the conversations became dull, and the love was not there, when he was hesitant to say he loves me, or even to reassure me he cares, when the smiles were gone and tension lurked through the air, he decided to search for another behind my back, and that so happened to be, my best friend. I trusted her with everything, even my life but they always seem to turn out just like my wretched father. From that moment, i never trusted a soul again.

Misery, Sadness and Anger. Those words represent negative terms. These are emotions too. Yet for me they've developed into something warped and twisted. Beyond their pure forms. People did not often take notice of me. But he did. That didn't end well though. Love has always and will forever remain a dangerous battlefield.

I will admit to my past misdeeds and wrongdoings. I will admit to killing my best friend. I could feel that all wasn't as it seemed.  My best friend was not my so called best friend. The world that I had created had been shattered by that betrayal from them.

I snapped.

My thoughts were erratic. On the day that my life changed I was all over the place, mentally and physically. The effects of heartbreak were evident. My phone was pinging constantly; with texts from both of them  I had seen and read them thoroughly, they should know that murder made me do some horrible things, very horrible, which made them want to redeem themselves before I went wild,

Murder boiling within me I made my way, to the place my best friend called home and...