From We to Me...

Worthless

Those cowards left the country. They gone to Dubai. How dare that piece of crap lay a hand on my daughter? My daughter. I will break every last bone of his. We must report him."
Mummy and nani calmed daddy down and focused on my health. I had to visit the doctor.
The doctor said that I had torn a muscle in my ankle and had to be on a crutch for 6 weeks. This diagnosis infuriated my family further. I could barely eat or sleep. I spent my days trying to shake away the flashbacks. Even muscle relaxants could not numb the pain on every inch of me. The physical and emotional. Liya popped by to see me. Aaliya stayed at my side. The message was going around the community that I had broken off the engagement because my career was too important. I wanted Zaidto give everything up for me. According to people I was  very demanding and argumentative. Hearing these things broke my morale further. I was not the victim but the cause. I had to bear the physical pain as well as the humiliation of being painted in a negative way with lies.

I Decided to put my hurt to paper and write poetry.

Allah is in my heart

Ya Allah to you I cry
You know how much I try
At times words just become a sigh
Yet the perpetrator gets away with a lie

My Lord you know the truth 
You are witness to my pain
The flashbacks make me insane 
A dark cloud with no end
My faith in you is all I comprehend

Ya Rabb you have brought me through such great storms 
It's through your mercy I still keep my form
Although things are going against the norm

Islam has given me great dignity 
I turn to you with all humility

He sniggers at his actions 
Raising his hand on a woman with great satisfaction 
He laughs at his deed
Acts as though I have no creed

My creator I place my end with you 
For you my Lord rule with justice 
I long for all to be seen in practice 
Ya Allah your love is all I wish to encompass

That night I was getting ready for bed. I placed my notebook in my bedside drawer and a gift bag caught my eye. The glitter sparkled. I opened it and in it was the keyring that Yusuf gave me. Smile it said. It also said I should not allow anyone to dull smile. I looked at those words and the depths of my heart began to weep. I was yet to find another reason to smile. I doubted myself. I doubted my duas I made during umrah. I convinced myself I was to blame because I impulsively agreed to marriage without istikhara. No one would ever want to marry a girl who was rejected by Zaid Mohamed. People said I behaved badly because my goal was to do my community service in London. That option actually seemed like a good one. I could go away from all of the Drama and pain. But on the other hand going to London would prove to everyones stories to be true. I did not know what to do. I felt worthless and helpless.