Take Me Home

Quiet Times

I was the first one to walk back in the house, as I left Cody sitting out to be alone outside. Polo came waddling in behind me, as his tongue sticked out in a happy way. He followed me everywhere, which I enjoyed very much. As I had finished my first smoke, I didn't grab for another one. I thought only one would be good for this morning. It was odd. It seemed now that I was back I didn't smoke as frequently as I used to, back in the cabins. I felt smoking was a way to calm my nerves, and I felt as if I wasn't as nervous and jumpy now that I was home, especially as the month went on since I had been back. However, it was still a habit I just couldn't quit.

As I entered the house, everyone was already up in the kitchen. And as I was brought back to that fight I had with my parents the night before, I wondered if today would be an different with them. Would they talk to me more? Would they look at me more, now that I told them how I felt somewhat? Would dad look at me now? Would that disapproving look be gone from their eyes? Would they have changed all of a sudden? However, the answers developed in my head as I walked into the kitchen, and everyone looked my way, and then back once more.

  "Morning honey," my mother spoke up first, like she usually did, however, my father didn't say anything, like every other day that had passed. He kept his head down, and barely looked at me. Maybe a slight few glances every minute, but that was it. And here I thought something would have changed in them, as I came to realize nothing did at all. As if that conversation, that argument we had the night before never occurred. As if all those feelings and that emotion I had sprung out, never happened. And right then, is when that sinking feeling began to soak in once more, as I walked over to the fridge, about to grab the carton of eggs.

How could they do this? How could they act this way towards me? Why? Why are they being so mean? All I asked for was for them to stop acting that way. And to speak to me more. To look at me more. And they couldn't even do that. My dad in that case. I felt as if my mom understood me more. And tried to look at me, and talk to me. She put in that effort more than my father. But still, I felt as if that elephant was still in the room, as by every day that passed it seemed to fill the room more.

I knew if it didn't happen soon, if we didn't talk soon, that very elephant, would burst and shatter the house, as everything would come tumbling and breaking out. Crushing everything. I had every reason not to want to talk about Martins, however, they didn't. And that hurt.

I just wanted to tell someone how I felt, and how I've felt for all these years. I want to feel that happiness, and that safeness, and that feeling of being wanted. For so many years I hadn't felt that. I had lost those feelings. And now that I was back home, I expected those feelings to return and come naturally within seconds. However, they didn't.

I felt as if I still wasn't safe in a way, and that happiness feeling hadn't come yet. I wanted it to. I wanted to feel happy surrounded by my family, and my parents, but I couldn't feel that way. I just felt like I couldn't, not as long as we didn't talk about it. About anything. I just wanted my parents to tell me how they were feeling, instead of them only bottling it up and expressing their feelings through the looks they gave me. I could feel that tension in the air when I walked in, and that was because they never talked to me. Why didn't they want to talk to me?

"So, I see you and Holly have gotten back in touch," my mom said to me as I brought the carton of eggs towards her, as she was just getting the frying pan set on the stove.

  "Are you guys dating?" Kate asked me as her and Mandy were stirring up the juice they had just recently made. I glanced over at them, as they both seemed to have excited faces on, as if thriller I might have had a girlfriend.

  "No. We're just friends," I shrugged and laughed a bit at their question, as I then went to get the plates out and place them on the table.

  "Well, you guys are spending a lot of time together," Mandy spoke up as well, as she then took a seat as her hair bounced in the ponytail she had high on her head. I paused for a second, not really knowing how to answer that, for it was more of a statement than a question.