Highs and lows [Imagine Dragons Fanfic]

Be strong

Dan:

Wayne holds his hands tight around me and I try to focus on his heartbeat. Normally I don't cry that much, I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess the exhaustion is getting too much. Every time I cry I feel like a baby, because they always have to watch out for me. But I can't help it, no matter how hard I try. If I keep my emotions in for too long and don't share a single thing, it just gets too much someday and then everything will come down at once.

I would give everything to talk to my therapist, but he had an accident and is in hospital. He told me that I could call him if I need him, but I don't want to be too annoying. He needs his rest too, at least for a few days.

After a few minutes I just force myself to stop crying and it really works. I wipe my tears away and my breathing is alright again. Although Wayne knows that I'm not crying anymore, he keeps me tight to him and I'm thankful. To be honest, I don't want to look at him right now.

I build up all my courage and take a deep breath to start talking. The others always want to know what I was dreaming about and kind of force me to tell them. Normally it helps, at least with "normal" nightmares. But when I'm dreaming of my father it just makes everything worse. I don't  know why and I don't know why I haven't told them yet.

But before I can start Wayne says: "It's okay bud, you don't tell me what you were dreaming about." I frown, that was unexpected. But what surprised me even more was his voice. It sounded strained and as if he was holding back tears. Just now I notice that he is shaking a bit. As if.....as if he holds me close because it calms him?

Even though Wayne doesn't let me go at first, I sit up and look at him. As I do that I get even more concerned. His shaking is clearly visible now and a single tear is running down his cheek. He quickly swipes it away and tries to hide it with rubbing his eyes, but he wasn't fast enough.

He stares back at me and tries to smile, but it ends up in a grimace. He leans the side of his head on the wall behind the bed and I can see him struggling with keeping the tears back, no matter what he still didn't break eye contact.

Now I'm the one to be concerned and ask questions. "What's wrong Wayne?" I ask carefully. He shrugs his shoulders and answers: "I don't know I guess it's getting too much again." I immediately know what he means. Sometimes he just worries too much and then he has problems sleeping too.

"You know." he starts off again. "As I held you, I've been thinking about the first time you told me about what your father did to you." Just the thought of it sends shivers down my spine and I try to concentrate on his words, so that I don't have to think about my past.

"Seeing you, having trouble sleeping and all because of your father..." he trails off and I just wait, I don't wanna push him. "It-it just hurts me, you know?" I nod even though it probably was just a rhetorical question. "I-I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling, it's just..." he trails off again and bites his lip.

I can't take this sight anymore and throw my arms around his small body. We end up like a few minutes before, just that I'm holding Wayne this time. Tears are forming in my eyes again, but I don't let them out. I need to be strong for my friends now. He is always strong for me and now look where we are.

I'm a bad friend! He is nearly crying because of me. Because I can't deal with my own problems and he feels like he has to take them off my shoulders. He is just such and amazing friend and now he needs me. I don't tell him that because then he would probably try to get these thoughts out of my head. And then he would be strong for me again. But right now he needs me.

I look down at him. His small frame is slightly shaking in my arms and I'm sure he is still not willing to let the tears come out of his eyes. He can do that, because he is strong. If I could do that he wouldn't have to deal with such breakdowns. I'm hurting my friend. Not just him, Platz and Ben are the same. But Wayne has to help me the most. I can't put that much weight on their shoulders. I need to stop being such a wimp!

My father has been right all the time! I am a wimp and I'm bad for the people around me. A wimp. As I think about it, my stomach starts to sting a bit. No one knows about it. I've never told anyone about it, not even my therapist. But the reason why no one has ever seen me without a shirt just started to sting.

An incompetent wimp. That's what I am. My father was right. Why didn't I see it? I thought he was lying, but he was right all the time. Incompetent wimp. The words that couldn't describe me better. The words my father carved into my stomach...

....................

I kinda feel like a bad person now. I'm sorry Dan...