Another Time

Five (A.Royal)

Enthusiasm can be faked if what's inside isn't real

Seeing how enthusiastic she got when I told her about the car and the way she ran around the block to find us the fanciest one made a smile print itself on my face. I run after her and instantly regret it. When she was happy moments ago, I thought that maybe this place is not as bad as I thought it was. But right now, I want to burn it down.

It's true I haven't been long with Amor, and I haven't had much of her memories, but I still know what a Ferrari car represents. I step slowly towards her. She has her legs stretched out in front of her, her body pressed against the car, her hands holding the wheels so tightly like somehow they'll bring him back.

I step closer to get a good picture of her face: it's the definition of redness. Her eyelids are closed and the tears are falling down silently like they're afraid of disturbing our empty world. I know she senses me close to her, but she doesn't even flinch.

"You know" I speak first. She doesn't open her eyes, nod to me, or at least change her position. She doesn't even give any hints that she's hearing me, yet her stillness proves me right. She knows.

I sit down facing her, and she starts sobbing. It's like her tears are coming back to live. Her eyes are still closed; she's afraid of opening them up and realizing this all is not a dream.

"I can't" she's speaking to me, to herself, or to the air surrounding us; I have no idea. "I can't" now she's crying loudly. Her tears want the world to know they are here; they don't want to hide anymore. "I'm imagining him everywhere" I do nothing but sit silently there, watching her. "I'm missing someone who doesn't even exist" she calms down for a second just to say those words and starts crying all over again.

I lean towards her and hug her closer to me. She lays her head on my shoulder and places her hand on my chest. Instantly, her hand clutches my shirt and she lets out a scream that would scare the dead in their graves.

I've always been so horrible at picking words in sad situations. Deep down I want to help the person in front of me and draw a smile on their face, but somehow I end up ruining everything. My mom used to let me memorize words to say before she takes me with her to any funeral. As I grew older, I avoided going to funerals at all. It was the complete opposite with Amor. She consistently knew how to make me feel better whenever I were down.

I want to do the same for her, a little pay back. I want to comfort her and make her smile. I try recalling the words mom made me memorize, but I don't think any of 'He's now in a better place, may you meet again in heaven, just pray for him now, or he's with the merciful' will do any good in this situation. After-all, what can I say to someone who lost a human who never even existed to begin with. How can I make her feel better when all her memories with him weren't real?

After a while, I feel her body becoming heavy against my chest. I look down at her dazed off body and sigh. I let her on the floor and go break into the nearest house and get the car keys of the car parked in front of it. I sure am dying to take the Ferrari, but it won't be the best thing to do right now. Instead I take the blue Ford RS. I open the car's back seat door and lay Amor down in it. I start the car, and I don't give a damn about the seat belt.

I can't imagine what Amor is passing through. How can she let go of someone who was never here? Someone who was perfect for, who loved her, and whom she loved back. How can she accept the idea that he can no longer be here? How can she understand the fact that there was no Noah in her life?

I press the gas and speed to the maximum. I pass the library, which we were planning to spend the night near, about three times now. Amor has some heavy healing to do, but I ought to believe that mine is even worse than hers.

As minutes pass, it becomes harder to breathe. It's like I am choking on the oxygen I am inhaling. I am not ready to face the truth of anything yet, and I am afraid of being defeated in this already lost battle. I suddenly press down the brakes, causing myself to jump out of my seat. I hit the steering wheel with all my power and I let out a scream of my own. I directly remember that Amor is sleeping in the back seats, so I look at her through the rear mirror.

Her body is still lying down, but she's awake now: her eyes are open. She looks at me out of the side of her eyes, and a slight smile takes over her face. She closes her eyes, and her smile disappears. I take us to our new home as her tears continue to fall.

I park the car in front of the closest house from the library. It's too small that I think it was for nearby workers. Even though there's a huge house not a block away, I still get into this one. I don't care about living earth's luxury anymore. All I care about is getting us the hell out of here.

I break into the house first, while Amor is still in the car. It's more like a studio with one tiny, a bit messed up bedroom. I make the bed for Amor, and go outside to carry her in. I put her down on the bed and kiss her forehead goodnight.

"Everything will be okay" I say doubting myself. I turn around to leave the room, but her hands stop me. She doesn't tell me to stay, or even look at my face, yet I sit down on the floor, my hand holding hers, until we both drift into sleep.

***

I woke up ages before Amor did. I am not sure I even slept. I checked the kitchen for any food but there was none. The house is so poor that the silverware is actually made up of plastic, and half of them are already broken. I walked to the supermarket, bought some supplies, and cooked us honey pancakes and Spanish omelet. To my luck, Amor wakes up on her own the minute I was done cooking our breakfast. We sat down and this time we ate all the food in front of us, even though I put salt instead of sugar.

"Which one are we visiting first?" she asks me.

"The name is not written on the map, but I assume this one is the smallest" I walk to the door, and she follows me.

"We should just go to the biggest. Supposedly it will have everything" she argues.

"We'll work our way through them." I leave her at the door and step outside to cross the street and enter the library. As expected, she just follows me.

"JLC" she says "Javerahs Library of Closure" she steps inside the library after me.

"Amor" I turn to face her "I think we should add hallucinations to the search" her face wears no expression. "I know how hard this is on you, but hallucinating Noah all this time should have a reason. Especially since he had the book" she finally nods.

"We'll split ways" she commands "I'll take the neurology area. You go ahead to the myths" she leaves without further talking and turns away to the neurology.