a Nebula of Thoughts.

Nine.

8.12.18

music suggestion: 21 guns - Green Day

there's something to be said , when a teenager has a mind this bad.

I wake up , not even in the morning. in the middle of the night , around 3 am , and my first thoughts have to be:

"you can make it through today. live. breathe."

and if it isn't, I'm sent into a good morning panic attack.

some days, I can't make it out of bed. it doesn't get past the panic attack. but most days I have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to live when all I want to do is kill myself.

killing myself seems to look more and more like , I don't wanna say the 'right option' (because it isn't), but more of, a good option? for me at least? because I wouldn't be suffering. I wouldn't have to do anything that pains me. I wouldn't have to hate myself so much.

but I live in this fear of, everyone would be so broken without me. I can't leave everyone behind with the ruins and shards of my life.
but when I really think about it, I wouldn't be missed that much. I'm really not that important. no one needs me as their primary source in their life. I'm just Someone they can come crawling to if they want a photoshoot, or someone to rant to once and a while.

and in all honesty , no one would notice if I happened to disappear. just like that, I would be a distant memory. one that pops up once and a while and you think to yourself, 'oh, that was a good day.' I'm not someone that everyone would sob about for days. that's just how it is.

so I keep repeatedly asking myself the same question: why am I still alive if I'm not benefiting anyone and it's too fucking painful to live ?