{happy endings?} ~ fiction.

1.

I grabbed the sheet of paper, scribbling down words that they wanted to see. Words they wanted to hear me speak. The clear white paper, slowly became infested with light letters, that formed dark words. I grabbed a second piece of paper, drawing images, writing annotations, crossing things out. Third paper. Fourth paper. Tears leaked from my eyes, cascading on to the messy organisation of A4 paper below me. I gripped the pencil, feeling my hands start to shake as I drew large, medium and small sized 'X's on the page. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. Kiss. One after the other. A screech left my mouth as the yellow pencil snapped in two.

I swished away the papers with one hard felt knock, they slowly floated to the floor, like feathers. The lady sat there, at her desk, her glasses on the end of her nose. And she smiled at me. I gripped the edges of the wooden table, digging my nails into it, staring hard at the words I had just engraved through to the top of the table. The left side of my head began aching, paining, as she sat there, smiling, tapping her pen against her clean and organised desk.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Went the pen. My stiff neck cranked up toward her. She looked superior. I know she felt it. She felt powerful, looking at me. A broken female before her eyes. She pushed her glasses closer to her eyes, stood up and pulled the curtains open. The sun shone in, blinding me.

I groaned and cursed under my breath, as my nails began to bleed from me gripping them so tightly against the table. She sat back down, leaning back in her comfy chair, examining me. I took deep, heavy breaths, waiting for her response to my action. "Not good enough." She finally spoke, leaning forward on her desk. The right side of my lip twitched a few times. "Not good enough." I said back to her. Anger filling my bones, fuelled by her half-ass remark. "Not good enough!" She yelled, slamming her hand onto her desk, the pencil pot tipping over.

Twitch, twitch goes my lip. I began to calm, as we sat in silence. I stopped clenching onto the table. I sat back in my seat, crossed one leg over the other and pushed my frizzy blonde hair behind me. "Not good enough." I copied, but calm. She was angry for me feeling this. I was understanding as to why. It had been 2 and a half years. Since I came here. I was stuck, in a bubble. Constantly feeling every little ounce of emotion I had over the last 19 almost 20 years. I gave her a smile, my mind somewhere else. I was happy here. In the back of my head, where no one could hurt me. Where no one could judge me. Where no one had a say. "Miss Nicholson?" The woman's voice rang. I gave that same smile, eyes distant.

"Where are you?" She asked me. I moved my head side to side, in a swaying position. "Oh." I let out, as I saw the trees grow high. Higher than the clouds. The birds sang, the rivers flowed and the humans were gone. "Somewhere peaceful." I told her, closing my eyes. "Where are you?" She demanded. A struck of lightening hit the colourful fields. I gently gripped the table again, trying to hold onto this place. "The grass is greener. Never a dull moment." I told her, raising my voice. "Why are you there?" She asked. I laughed. "To escape." I told her, as the lightening struck again. I shook my head quickly, trying to rid my happy place of her words.

"Go away." I whispered, staring at the sun shining down from above. "Tell me what it's like." The ladys' voice rang. Lightening struck. "Go away." I said again, birds flying through the sky, which was now turning a shade of dark blue. "How did you get there?" She badgered. Lightening, twice this time. "Go away." I said, louder, becoming angry. Lightening hit twice more. "Tell me. Who is there? Are you alone? What's it like?" She said, her voice lacing around my brain. "Go away." I told her, as the lightening struck the tree, knocking it down. The sky darkened, the birds fell dead to the ground and the plants turned to dust. "Go away." "Go away." "Go away." "Go away." I screamed now, as my world blackened and I was back staring at the woman, as she now sat in front of me.

My hand gripped around her neck, her gasping for air. I could tighten my grip, just a little. Just enough to knock her out. To go back to my special place. But the fear in her eyes, haunted me. I shrugged my hand off her neck and took my seat. She placed her hand on her now reddened neck. "Not good enough." She sighed to me, scribbling in a book. I sat on the chair, as blood fell from my finger tips. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. "Not good enough." I repeated her. My white overall was covered in red splatters of blood. The white shoes I wore, were covered in droplets of the red substance.

I hit my hand against the desk. Not good enough. I sat here for ages, repeating that in my head. Not good enough. It was true. The fear the lady had for me vanished, when two men came into the room, taking me by the arms. They led me to a small white padded room. A bed, shower and toilet within it. The taller dark haired man shoved me in, closing the door behind him, leaving the older man outside, standing in front of my door. I sat on the bed, like I do after every session. He came closer to me. "Not good enough." I said to him, as I looked up at his, curious face.

"Oh, Baby-girl, surely you knew, no one could ever love you..." he said, striding closer. "But maybe, you weren't born to be loved.." He continued, his hot breath rebounding off my cold skin, as he sat beside me. "Maybe you were born to be feared." He smiled, a creative glint in his eyes, as he kissed away at my neck. I sat there, stiff. His hand reached down and into my overalls as he had a feel of me. He moaned against my neck, as I sat there, feeling nothing. He took my left hand, as I sat staring blankly at the white covered room, and placed it to the zipper of his dark trousers. "Undo it." He told me.

I didn't comply. I sat there, trying to escape. Trying to get back to that place. "Unzip it!" He yelled, gripping my arm. I took the zipper and pulled it down. He smiled, satisfied. "And?" He questioned me, as he leant back. I put my hand down his trousers, into his boxers and I felt him. He was waiting for me. It was waiting for me. I froze. Used to this by now, I should be. But no. I never will be. He gripped my hair, my facial expression remaining emotionless. "And." He said more sternly. He moaned in delight as I moved my hand up and down around his extending limb. "Yeah..." he encouraged me. "Like that." He groaned, closing his eyes and leaning back.

I could slit his throat, right now. I'd use my teeth or my nails. I'd make him suffer. I'd make him hurt. He'd want to die instead of be at the mercy of me. These thoughts distracted me from my situation. I felt a sticky substance in my hand. He shrugged my hand off him, did up his zipper and walked me over to the small sink. He took my hand, placed it into the sink and gently washed it. Taking the time to use soap and a hand cloth. "There, there.." He said to me, drying my hands off, as I stared at him, blankly. "Next time it'll be your turn." He told me, leaning in and planting a delicate kiss on my lips. He then put me into bed, tucking me in. "I'm not just a guard at his facility." He told me, kissing my forehead. "I'm a friend." He smiled. Maybe I shouldn't kill him. He cared.

He sat watching me for a while. I closed my eyes, wanting to escape to my happy place. A small smile spreading across my face as I reached it. The sun shone, the rivers flowed, the trees grew and the birds sang. I wish I could stay here forever. Maybe I could. I walked around the golden corn field, feeling the breeze in my face. Maybe this was where I belonged.

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Sort of making this up as I go along. Haaaa.

Enjoy😊

🌟Be Classy🌟- nma