Ever since I confessed to Slash I have feelings for him, I feel like he's mocking me, teasing me all the time with everything he does.
I tried to keep my feelings inside, but I felt like I was losing my mind. Slash noticed something was wrong, because I was acting weird around him, I was distant and grumpy. In a fight we had, because Slash was pissed off at me for acting weird for "no reason", I blurted out that I might have started having feelings for him. At first he thought I was joking, but when he realized I wasn't, he didn't know what to say, how to react, so instead he left the room. I was left alone thinking that I made a stupid mistake. Two weeks have passed and we didn't talk about it at all. He tried to act as if nothing has happened.
Sometimes I feel like he forgot about it, but sometimes I feel like he's tempting me. Or that's probably just my imagination, because as I confessed my feelings out loud, I suddenly became aware of everything he does. My feelings haven't disappeared, but rather increased. The attraction I feel for him is sometimes unbearable.
When he plays his guitar - it was always amazing to watch him play, but I started noticing the way he moves his skilled fingers, the way he enjoys playing; he leans back, closes his eyes and opens his mouth and lets the music overwhelm his whole being... Watching him play was what attracted me to him. I slowly started realizing how good-looking he was, I started liking his big, curly hair, plump lips, caramel skin, his white teeth and perfect smile, his nose ring. The feelings were not so strong at first, but they started growing, and now during rehearsals, it's so hard not to be excited, it's so hard to look at him, it's so hard to look away. Now, I am aware of the way he licks his popsicle, when he mumbles while eating his favorite meal, when he sees some hot girl and he removes his hair to see her better, when he's drunk and his eyes are half open, when he really enjoys his cigar - he closes his eyes and lets out the smoke and leaves his mouths open for just few more seconds and opens back his eyes, when he touches his crotch, when he... It was forbidden to like him, but now that he knows I do, I feel like it's even more forbidden to let him know that I am infatuated by him and it's growing. I am afraid I might burst one day, I am afraid it will happen at the wrong moment.
Duff, Slash and me were sharing a hotel suite; it has two rooms, the one which I considered mine has two beds, and the other has one. Usually, I am the one that gets the room with one bed, but Slash demanded that he gets it. I backed away because I don't want to get into another fight with him that might cause me to have another outburst of not-so-welcomed-feelings.
The other band members went to have a drink and I suppose it'll be late when they come back. Slash probably planned to pick some girl and bring her, so that's why he demanded to have a room with a single bed. Sometimes he rents multiple rooms for more of them and none of them knew about each other. The jealousy was not my thing when it comes to Slash, I can't afford to be jealous, he always has some meaningless one-night stands.
The show was pretty tiring and after I took a shower and brushed my teeth, I went to bed. Soon, I heard some sounds coming from the living room and I heard Duff's and Slash's voices. That was unexpectedly quick. The door opens, then closes, and I expect Duff to turn on the light, but when he doesn't, I turn up my bed-side lamp. Through the faint light I see Slash and I froze. My heart starts beating wildly in my chest. My throat is dry. I swallow. I try to act as cool as possible and not bewildered, like I'm really feeling.
- Hi. - he says.
- What are you doing here? - I ask, a bit harshly.
- Wow, nice way to greet a person.
- Sorry. I just... didn't expect you. Me and Duff were supposed to share a room. You demanded to have the room with one bed.
- Yeah... But Duff picked some girl on the way to the bar and he needed the room more than me.
- Well, that was fast! So that's why you were back so soon.
- Yeah.
- But, why didn't you went to the bar? Why did you came back? You didn't pick anyone. - My insides are screaming as I'm asking this.
- Well, I don't know... I just gave up... I thought you and I could hang out. - I almost choke at those words. I cough to calm myself down.
- I'd love to, but I am really tired tonight. Some other time.
