This is one of my favourite pieces of classical music :)
If you are reading this, then I am already dead. Finally. And finally in peace. Or maybe I go to hell for all the shit I did, but I am not so sure that hell even exist, so I like to think I will find peace.
I feel like I should make this short, although there's so much I wish to tell you. But, if I start writing about everything, I'd need to write a whole goddamm book.
First of all, I would like to say how sorry I am. For everything, for all the shit I put you through, and everyone else. But you, mostly, because you were quiet and avoided confrontations most of the time, which allowed me to bitch even more. I was selfish, egoistic, bossy, contolling, moody, I drove you nuts with all my outbursts and shits. I was fucked up, really fucked up. But you knew that, you all did. Hell, you were too, you drove me nuts with your drugs and alcohol. And when your shits mix up with my mental shits, all hell would break loose.
When I look back at everything, I smile. We made it, we accomplished our dreams. We got big houses, money, fame, sex, drugs, cigars, alcohol. We could buy everything we wished for. Out days were good, so good. The concerts, all that wild energy we put through, and the glorious amount of sex. Those were the best parts of it, because at the end, all the drugs and alcohol did more damage than anything.
But, all that we had was never enough for me. I always had this burden from the past, those demons that lurked around, and I was never able to get rid of them. I was never completely at peace. All the shit I've been through just made it worse. All the people that left made it worse. Each of them left a hole inside of my soul, but the biggest one was left by you. The one I never thought would leave.
I guess all that we had was never enough for any of you. So you kept drugging yourself, trying to reach higher, to have more, but there was nothing left out there. Nothing, but addicts unable to function normally. So you left the band, one by one, happy that you could at least get rid of me. 'Cause I fucking drove you insane. Erin left. Stephanie did too. I was left utterly and completely alone.
When you left, I broke. Everything went crumbling to pieces. There were no inhibitions, nothing to hold onto. The present was painful, but the past haunted me more than ever. I had no one, the band fell apart, I had no wife, no children. I still don't have that, and I don't think I would ever be able to. I would fuck it up, and make her leave. One of my biggest regrets is not having children. I swore that if I ever had them, I would treat them the best way I could. I swore never to treat them like my stepfather treated me. But, maybe it's for the best I never had them. Maybe I'd fuck them up at the end, no matter how hard I tried not to. Because that's me, that's what I do.
I wondered so many times how you're doing, are you really happy as you seemed to be. At first, I was so angry at you for leaving. I was sad. I missed you. I was jealous at Duff for still being your friend. I was jealous that you moved on with your life while I was falling apart... In time, I forgave you. I am glad that you've moved on with your life, that your life just keeps getting better. You can now do what you want, have your career go in any direction that you want it. You'll probably have a family one day.
I do hope that you forgive me and that you'll remember me from time to time, preferably by good. I know that my death might hurt you, but I know that you'll move on and do great things on your own. You don't need me. I needed you more than you ever needed me, but I've realized that too late.
I've realized that I can never be happy. Every part of my life is shit and would always be like that. Maybe I could fool myself before that everything would be better, but now I know that it will not.
My demons are raging, they are finally in control. And I am letting them. There's nothing worth fight for, there's no one worth fighting for.
PS If you ever wish to get back together as Guns n' Roses, you have my full permision. Maybe you can make a better band without me.
Goodbye, my friend.
