I can't sleep well anymore. He would sing me a lullaby till I fell asleep, but now I can't even listen to the recording without crying, so I don't bother. A picture of him sits on my bedside table, I can't remember what he sounds like.
Many songs he showed me are played over and over again as I lay in my bed, talking to Rose, occasionally looking at his picture. I cry, a lot, but my brain tries to distract me by making me think about mundane things, like what I'll wear tomorrow, my first day of senior year.
The musical trash part of me wants me to dress like JD from Heathers, but I decide against it. I think of my friends.. friend, Jen. They are nice, loud and smol.
I feel like spending money online, but I remember I'm broke, so instead, I sing along to Hamilton. My wallet may have no money, but it has a picture of him, just in case the voices get too loud.
I grab a razor and press it against my skin gently, but I get scared and put it away.
Good. That's a good sign. You still care. It'll be otay.
He'd be pissed at me, but mostly at himself if I ever don't stop. He'd say it's all his fault. So, I stop every time. I hope he's stopping too.
Please.. Don't take my sunshine away.
Love, AD
