Gravity

Chapter 5: John

I never showed any signs. It was all, rather sudden. In fact, I'm not really sure I even saw it coming. I should have though right? I mean, aren't you suppose to know how bad you've gotten? Don't you feel it in the pit of your stomach, in your bones, that you've gotten so low? I guess in a way I did see it coming. You don't go through something like that without knowing some sort of dragging side effect is waiting for you around the corner. I just never thought I'd actually go through with it, you know, actually, kill myself.

That sounds weird. I killed myself. I never thought I'd be the type to. I'm a rather strong person I'd say. Or, I guess I was. Honestly, I thought I'd make it through it, move past it all. Or at least, be able to make it past more than a few days. But that didn't happen, obviously. I guess all that strength I thought I had was in my head, not my heart. See, if it was in my heart, I would have been able to fight harder, fight harder to keep us both alive. I just got caught up in thinking strong, not actually being strong. Thinking strong: all in your head. Being strong: straight from the heart.

Ah, my heart. My heart was no match for those eyes. She made me so weak. She made me crazy, crazy for that smile. Maybe if it hadn't had been her, my heart would have bucked up and pulled all that strength from my head. Maybe I wouldn't have done what I did. I just remember being so cold, yet, at the same time, the blood pumping through my veins felt so hot. My veins now drained, like my body.

I think I was dead before I even committed suicide. I think I died the same night she did. And I know, that seeing her at the top of the steps as my brother walked past her, was the most pain and sadness I had ever felt. But also the most alive.