Another try to love [Kuroko no basuke fanfiction: AkaKuro]

¤Chapter 3: Lost

"Flight YK5379 from Boston to Tokyo. All passergers to the gates please. The boarding starts now. Flight YK5379 from Boston to Tokyo. The boarding starts now."

I walked with my secretary through the peoplefilled airport. Everywhere crowds and josteling. Everyone was busy. How I hated that. But I think this was not my only problem today. 13 and half an hour until I see my home country again. 13 and half an hour until I set my foot on the land where I lost my heart. 13 and half an hour until my past catches me again.

10 years have passed but I remember his face exactly. Every touch, every smile he gave me. And every tear I shed because of him. Akashi-kun.

What became of you? Of the fallen emperor which was pushed from me, his so called 'toy', from his throne. From the little, invisible and unseen shadow. From the person who trusted him more than anyone but was shoved away when he got tired of me. But before that happened I left him. Left the person I loved the most and who stole my little and easily broken heart.

"Mister your passport and tickets, please."

I snipped out of my daze. Quickly I showed him my passport and business class ticket and walked passed the gates into the airplane to the buisness class seats. I sat down and began to listen to music to show my secretary to leave me alone. Too many thoughts were in my mind. Too many unanswered questions. I tried to answer them over the years but I failed. Only one person in the world could answer them, the person I fear the most and the person who broke my heart in little pieces. But does he even remember me? Well, he went to my high school back then and got the envelope I gave Kagami, I heard from my ex team mates when I phoned them, but time had passed and we are adults now. We will see, right.

After high school I went to America to study psychology at Harvard University. Psychology interested me back then and now I am a well known professor in my subject with bestseller books and TV appearances. And why America? Well, I wanted to flee from my life I think. From the accedential meetings with him. I guess I just wanted to start all over again and try to forget everything but it didn't work like I wanted it. Regardless how many times I told myself that he would not mean anything to me,  my heart knew well that it was the complete opposite.

I held so many speeches about the human psyche and how to cure traumas but I can't cure mine even a little. One can say that my personality changed for 180 degrees. From the shadow to the light. From neverseen to shining. But deep inside me I haven't changed a bit.

The first time this side of my personality showed up was in the match against Akashi and his team during the finals of the winter cup. There was a bit more then half a minute to play and we were 7 points beneath them. At this time of my life I was full of hate and revenge. I wanted to show Akashi that his impaired darling went against him and would win against him. The first time in his whole life Akashi lost in something. I was so damn happy. Also I remember his face expression perfectly and it made me feel like a king. He only stared at me. Emotionless, dull. His eyes were deadpan, just like my eyes all the time. Afterwards I thought he would speak with me but he didn't. I puzzled for a long time why he didn't, but as the time passed I didn't care anymore. My feelings of love turned to hate and at last to irrelevance.

And now?

What are my feelings for him now?

I mean I often dream of situations of my past and talks that tear apart my heart everytime, but I don't hate or like him -  neither nor.

I watched out of the window. So many cute little white clouds were under us. They look like cotton candy, just like on the day I lost myself.

'It was after the win in the campionship against my childhood friend. I asked Akashi before to play as a team during that match but he didn't. Again our team just crashed the opponents. Team play? I haven't seen that for ages. Since all the members began to bloom one by one and got stronger and stronger. They were only playing by themselfs. That was so wrong! I really loved basketball but at that time I began to hate it. I walked outside the stadium and saw Murasakibara-kun and Akashi-kun talk with each other. I wanted to go to them but then I heard what they were speaking. The topic was me. I hided behind the corner and listened to them. "Why do you treat Kuro-chin so cold? He smiles at you all the time and does whatever you want. He really loves you, you know?"

"He's just a toy to pass time with. Did you think I care for him? Playing with him is fun so I do it but more?"

My heart stopped. A toy to pass time with? Playing with him is fun but nothing more? I gulped. Just yesterday he said he would love me.

A lie?

Was everything he told me a cheap lie?

Every gentle touch on my skin a game?

Every moan he got for his actions a matter of unimportance?

"That's a silly joke or not?" I heard Murasakibara-kun asking him. "Do I look like I am joking?" Was the short and questioning answer he got from Akashi-kun. I looked carefully to them and saw Murasakibara-kun shaking his head heavily. "You know that it's wrong? He really loves you." The he turned around and walked away. I looked at Akashi. His red hair sparkled in the sun and my heart began to race. He does not love me.

Does not love me.

Does not love me? But I do.

The person I trust the most and who makes my heart race with only beeing there lied to me? Played only a simple game with me? Was never really there for me?

I felt a painful arch in my heart. He never loved you back.

I grabbed my bag and ran. Ran away from the stadium. Ran away from my life. Ran away from him. I stopped at a playing ground when I couldn't run any longer. I sat down on the swing. Slowly, one tear after another started to drip down on the ground. My mind was in a completely chaos. All the past month were an illusion? A beautiful and false illusion? It was just a game where I lost everything? Just a wonderful dream from which you don't want to awake and get back to reality? He was just another person in my life who left me? Now my whole face was wet. My tears fell down like a waterfall. I sat on this swing somewhere in Tokyo crying over my life. Crying over my lost love. Crying because of him.'

I touched my cheeks and felt some tears where running down my face. Quickly I wiped them away. Again I remembered this awful day and shed tears because of him. Can I never forget him?