Once Upon A Memory

Chapter Six : Ready To Go On

     At school the following Monday Alex and I were having a conversation about relationships, and how he thinks that he can finally be himself with a girl without having to think that she is cheating on him. His last girlfriend was a girl who cheated on him whenever she had the chance, but she had to know what he was doing every moment that he did something no matter what it might be. I remember days where we would go to the mall with a group of friends, and he was on the phone with her the entire time, because she wanted to make sure that he was not doing something that he was not supposed to be doing. Kaitlin and I would get so annoyed, because he was supposed to be hanging out with us, not talking to his girlfriend the whole time to the point that we could not even have a conversation with him. And when he wasn't on the phone with her he would complain about how much of a pain she was. I don't even think I knew that much about him until they broke up.

     "Erica, I think that I can finally be with someone," Alex said to me. My heart began to speed up. Does that mean that he wants to be with me?

     "Oh?" I asked.

     "Yeah, Rachael really likes me, and I think that I might like her too," he breathed. My breath caught in my throat. Why did this always happen to me? Why do all of the guys that I have feelings for end up liking someone else, and that someone else just happens to be one of my friends? When it came to love for me it never worked, never.

     "Oh, um, then go for it. Do whatever makes YOU happy Alex, as long as you're happy that is all that matters," I explained. I really did just want him to be happy, even if it does not include me.

     "Alright, thanks Erica! Do you think that we would work together? You know Rachael and me." he asked, true curiosity written across his face.

     "Yes, but relationships only work if you let them," I explained.

     "But we are still best friends, always," he said with a sincere smile upon his face, and he hugged me. I loved being his best friend, but that is all that we can be: best friends. I do not want to mess any of that up, because that would be the worst thing to happen to me. I could never live without my best friend. He is like my other half, part of my family.

     After he hugged me, he went off in search of Rachael. He was probably going to go talk to her, and tell her how he feels or he is just going to flirt with her and drop hints that he likes her too, even though before the dance they were pretty much together. I was not totally sure how he was going to deal with it, or how I was going to deal with it once it went official. I was not use to seeing my best friend in the before love stage. The asking a girl out, and telling her how you feel part, because he was already in a relationship when I met him - and he was with that girl for years. It just wasn't something that I was used to.

     That day we had started concert music in band, and I was one of the two snare drummers for it. Alex switched to trombone for concert band and the trombones sit in front of the percussion on our three step stage. Most of the percussion section switched to another instrument during concert band, because there is not enough room for them in the concert percussion. Just about all of the bass players are kept to take turn on the two bass drums, but only two out of the many snare drummers are allowed to play concert snare. The band director usually picks two who can actually read music. Whoever else is left is put on auxiliary where they play random things for random parts of the songs that the band director wants or needs.

     Anyways, Alex sat in front of me, and it was hard to focus on anything but the back of his head. Just glancing at him for even a quick second made my head spin, my breath quicken, and my palms sweat. What made the seat arrangement horrible was that the flutes were in front of the trombones, and that is what Rachael plays. SO while I felt like this towards Alex he was feeling those same feelings aimed at Rachael. Just knowing that fact alone made me want to punch a wall. How could I waste everything I've felt in the last few months about him on him? Why him of all people? Why couldn't I secretly be in love with a random guy in band, why did that guy have to be my best friend? I don't understand the situation at all.

     It really irks me to know that all of my emotions are for and about him. Why did Alex have to come into my life? I know that this is a reason behind it, because every person who comes into your life has a purpose. Each person is meant to do something to you that helps determine your outcome. I just had to figure out what Alex's purpose was in my life.

     Throughout the course of the rest of the week Alex distanced himself from me - I've never felt more relieved and broken at the same time. This was how it was going to be once he got a new girlfriend - I wasn't going to mean a damn thing to him, and I would be pushed into the background until my light faded out.

     "Something is up with Alex," Kait said at lunch Thursday. I just shrugged my shoulders. He promised me that he would still be my best friend, so I hope that means that he would tell me what is going on in his life. "What do you think about his girlfriend?" She asked.

     "Rachel? She's alright," I replied trying not to let my true emotions show. She gave me a confused look.

     "He's dating Hannah not Rachel," she explained. Now I was the confused one.

     "How? He told me that he likes Rachel and that was on Monday." She looked up at me from her salad with a now understanding look. He's playing the both of them.

     "What an asshole! Alex is lucky that he isn't dating you. I would beat him if he played you like that," she said angrily. He's lucky he isn't dating me? Am I that bad of a girl to date? Thanks for saying that Kaitlin, now my self conscience is going to keep putting myself down telling me that I am and never will be good enough, not for Alex, not for anyone.

     I stood up, and walked out of the cafeteria. I could not deal with this. I know that I was overreacting, but I just couldn't help but to overreact. I was not even allowed a chance to be with the guy that I was falling for more and more each and every day. I wasn't ever going to be good enough.