nothing can ever really describe the pain you were feeling. perhaps the pain you feel can't be comprehended because you yourself can't even feel it at all, you've grown so accustomed to the feeling of pain and sadness that you can't even feel anything else anymore. you were empty, even emptier than empty. your life was an utter mistake, a wrong decision, a big fat lie, and nothing else in-between, just a dull straight line across a timeline, no ups, no downs—just pure emptiness, and you just wanted to feel something, at least for once.
sometimes you can't even breathe, sometimes you wish you couldn't breathe. sometimes you wish to disappear for a day, sometimes you wish you could disappear forever. you wake up and fall asleep with tears in your eyes. with your chest feeling low and your hand to your heart, everyday still feels the same. and everything just brings you back to the same question all over again.
why you?
but then he was there.
he was all you ever needed, right there in front of your very eyes. the only reason why you still managed to breathe up to this very day. you could see him nearing you, with his foot steps not bearing a single sound. you could almost hear the faint sound of his laughter, the music to your ears as the image of his smiling face drew closer to you. you could almost muster the muffled words he's releasing, the words that once comforted you and told you that you were going to be alright. his soft locks hovering over his crescent moon shaped eyes, his rectangular mouth showcasing his pure white teeth. he looked ethereal, just like how you had always remembered him.
and yet he slowly disappeared, the gust of wind slowly engulfing his whole figure as the smile on his face drifted away from you.
and just like that, he was gone again.
you walked down the familiar street, your hair was to the side and the blanket of stars were enough to keep you company. somehow you felt like everything was too good, that the dim lights were pleasant and the cold wind was comforting you all too well, along with the night sky and the familiar scent of the city. but somehow you still feel a pang in your chest, as if everything you were starting to enjoy were expected to be short lived and replaced with the last thing you wanted in your life.
and that's when you saw him once again.
he was far from you, but you could see each and every detail of him. you could easily see his discoloured and seemingly worn out sweater crumpled up by his stomach, his black jeans covered in white dust all over. looking over at his hands, knuckles stained with purple and dried up bloody red, you couldn't help but to sob once again, looking over at his dishevelled hair and hopeless figure, holding on to a bottle of beer like it was the last thing he needed to be able to stay alive, and this—this wasn't the baekhyun you had always remembered.
his head hung low, as he faced the streets before him. a bright light emitting from around the corner grew bigger, and the sound of wheels rolling and the vehicle's on going engine echoed through the streets. that was when he noticed your presence as you took a few steps forward. he looked over to you with the faintest ever smile on his face, one that didn't reach his eyes like what you were so used to, not like the smile that you have loved so much, that mended the entirety of your soul upon seeing it. it was a hopeless smile, one that held the most painful words.
"thank you, i love you, i'm sorry and goodbye."
and then it struck you.
you could hear the van coming closer as you immediately dropped all that you had and ran as fast as you could. you feel the adrenaline rush through your body like your whole entire life had depended on this very moment. the tears in your eyes wouldn't stop from clouding your vision but that didn't stop you from moving. as you were reaching closer, you could see him dropping the bottle of beer, causing it to break into a million pieces. the sounds of glass shattering echoing through your mind like a broken record in an empty room. everything had felt all too slow as your heart sank, watching his last tear dropping slowly onto the concrete floor. your eyes widen in fright, seeing him close his eyes before allowing his weight to carry him forward. you screamed at the top of your lungs, as you continued to run as fast as your legs could carry you. your eyelids closed shut with tears running down your cheeks. you shook your head aggressively in disbelief.
