The Danfiction

IN WHICH QUINN FUCKS BERT WITH ALL HIS MIGHT AND THE DOCTOR HATES THEM ALL

The doctor hated them from the moment he called them back to a room and they laid baby Dan down on the table.

"What brings you here today?" he asked, his rubber gloves snapping into place on his meaty hands.

"Just... thought we'd get a checkup for our darling baby," Jepha said smoothly.

The doctor eyed Jepha curiously for a moment. "Interesting fashion choice," he said. "You a swimsuit model?"

"He wishes he was," Bert slurred, and laughed hysterically at his own remark. "Instead he's just a human sex doll for the rest of us."

"Shut the fuck up," Quinn said through gritted teeth. "Please just check our baby. You see, we... adopted him a few days ago, and we don't know how old he is for sure. Is there a way you can check his exact age for sure?"

The doctor stared at them. "Are you all serious about this appointment or is this a joke? An expensive joke, I might add. Each checkup is $90."

"Just check the fucking kid," Bert giggled. "We think he's in his thirties."

Quinn grabbed Bert by the arm and hissed in his ear, "If you shut up, I'll take you out to the car and fuck you."

"Let's go," Bert said, grabbing Quinn's hand. "Bye Jepha, have fun," he said shrilly, practically skipping out the door.

~~~

Fucking Bert was about the equivalent of a cross fit workout, Quinn thought as he grabbed the lube out of the glove compartment and slicked up his godlike specimen of a cock, sliding it into Bert's asshole and slowly thrusting.

Bert groaned. "Harder. I don't want to be able to walk afterwards."

Quinn sighed. "Should we just sixty-nine? I'm never able to make you sore, you're too fucking–"

"Fuck me harder!" Bert yelled, his nails sinking into Quinn's arm.

"Ow, fuck, okay!" Quinn began thrusting hard and fast, like a sledgehammer bearing down on a doughnut.

~~~

Jepha opened the shaking car's door, and slid into the driver seat, settling baby Dan on his lap and looking over scornfully at Quinn and Bert, who were slumped over each other, clearly exhausted and splattered with cum. "You couldn't wait until we got home?"

"Time was of the excess," Bert said, leaning over to kiss Quinn, their tongues visibly connecting, soft slurping noises coming from their swollen lips.

"You mean of the essence?" Jepha handed the baby to Quinn and steered out of the parking lot, wincing slightly when a driver slammed on their brakes and stared at him wide-eyed with wonder.

"There's an excess of bullshit happening," Quinn said. "What did you find out about Dan?"

Jepha exhaled slowly. "The doctor thought I was trolling him. Said Dan was a completely healthy baby. The only thing he was confused about was why tests he ran said Dan was thirty four years old. It's something he's never come across before and said that if it was true, we'd better keep the baby safe now that he's in the system."

"Whoa. Stop. This isn't a fucking episode of Stranger Things or some shit," Quinn said. "There are no evil scientists trying to draw Dan's magical blood or whatever."

Jepha shrugged, eyes trained on the driveway as they pulled in. "Just saying what the doctor said. Didn't say I believe any of it. I think he was just startled by Dan's apparent age."

"If the FBI shows up, they can stick their tongues two inches up my asshole," Bert slurred. "They're not gonna fuck with Dan."