i'm sorry.

you.

     the next day was a saturday. i woke up near noon and went downstairs. i sat down on the couch and turned on the tv.

     my dad would usually watch the news at night so that was the first thing that came on.

     "breaking news." a lady said, holding the microphone tightly. "we've just learned that someone jumped off the bridge last night at around midnight. the body was found early this morning. police describe the victim as a teen with red hair. they have not identified the body yet. if you have any information please come to the police station immediately."

     my whole world stopped. there was no way. right? you wouldn't do that. no matter how hard it got, i knew you wouldn't do that, because i knew you.

     apparently i didn't know you as well as i thought i did.

     i called you once. no answer. twice. thrice. each time my heart rate grew faster and faster. each time you didn't pick up.

     i drove to the police station with a heavy heart. i hoped it wasn't you. i prayed.

     when i got there, some officers took me to your body. it was you. my heart dropped into my stomach.

     your lips were blue and your face was so pale. your eyes were closed delicately and your hair still managed to frame your face perfectly.

     how can someone look so alive even in death? i had thought.

     i reached for you hand. it was wet and so cold. reality still hadn't set in. the police escorted me out and told me they were sorry for my loss and that they would keep me updated.

     when i reached home i didn't talk. my parents asked where i had been and i ignored them. i went into my room.

     that's when it started. my heart broke and my chest hurt so bad. it couldn't have been normal.

     i knew. i knew that whole time that you had been hurting and i didn't do shit about it. it was my fault. i could have saved you. i was brought into your life and i did nothing. nothing i could ever do would make up for this.

     i'm sorry. i'm so sorry i wasn't there for you. that i didn't help you.

     i wish i could see your smile, watch your eyes sparkle with laughter, hear your voice. i miss you more and more everyday.

     i can't believe i let you do this to yourself. i just want you to know that i'm living my life for you.

     i'll love you forever.